Philosophy Major to Add Oiled Wrestling as Requisite.

In a statement released earlier today, the dean of the College of Arts & Sciences, Dianne Harris, announced a plan to restructure the philosophy program here at UW and add new requirements for graduation. The statement gives details about the new academic layout of the major and notes the addition of two 200-level classes to be offered in the spring, but one of the most notable entries is the addition of a required Greek-style oiled wrestling program. This will be required for all philosophy majors beginning in the 2024-25 school year with construction for the new wrestling facility expected to finish in August. The Socratic Hippodrome for Intellectual Theory, as it has been named, will be near the existing Intramural Athletics facilities, and is part of a larger push by the philosophy administration to encourage more athletic involvement from students. The decision is part of a greater effort to bring more overlap between academic and athletic programs at the university, and will hopefully provide new opportunities for students to get better connected with each other.

“We’re hoping this will bring students together,” said professor of classical philosophy Euripedes Wyde-Oppen, “give people a better sense of community and form stronger bonds between people.” As it stands, philosophy as a department is ranked among the lowest for athletic involvement and student surveys indicate it as one of the least socially active cohorts, only beating monastic studies in this regard.

“It also marks a real return to form for the department,” the professor added, “we’re going back to our roots in the Greek tradition. These are the origins of what we consider western philosophy today and so it’s important to keep them alive in the modern era.” Professor Wyde-Oppen continued his comments with an unprompted hour-long lecture about the importance of wrestling to the ancient Greek thinkers, with particular emphasis on the special kinds of olive oil they would be lathered in. His full comments are to be projected against the cave wall later this week and will be available as shadows of their true selves there.

Student reaction to these changes have been thoroughly mixed however, with philosophy majors falling on either side of the trolley tracks. While some are applauding the newly broadened scope of the department and increased sense of involvement from faculty in student life, many are questioning the need for new requirements with the sudden rush of advising appointments indicating worries about the changes affecting graduations. Feedback is ongoing, with one anonymous student commenting that it would be hard to “keep strictly platonic ideals” with classmates in the ring, and it remains to be seen how this will affect the department.