DEI-Hire Dubs to be Put Down After New Federal Mandate

President Trump’s new anti-DEI initiative aims to root out unqualified workers who were hired under DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) programs. For the University of Washington, no member of staff fits this description better than the school mascot, Bartholomew J. Dubs II, more commonly known by his alias ‘Dubs’. 

Dubs’ job should have gone to a good, hard-working American husky. Instead, blinded by their woke liberal agenda, the UW hired a malamute. Not only a shameless diversity hire, Dubs is also so incompetent that the UW has had to spend precious tuition and tax dollars to hire his own team of handlers to pick up after him. 

President Trump’s anti-DEI mandate claims to restore values of individual dignity, hard work, and excellence. As perhaps the UW’s most atrocious DEI hire, Dubs represents none of these values. Several students have reported seeing him ‘shit all over the place’ in public areas, only to have his poor handlers clean up after him. Not only does he lack even the barest tinge of individual dignity, but he actively undermines the dignity of our campus. 

A reporter from Off Leash News inquired into Dubs’ past history as a citizen of the United States. An IRS agent told reporters that Dubs has never paid taxes, yet hard-working Washington residents line his greedy paws with their tax dollars. 

Surprisingly, Dubs in fact voted for Trump in the last election, believing he would lower the price of treats. Unfortunately, the treat market has crashed, leaving Dubs broke, hungry, and now awaiting death. 

Dubs’ lawyers argue that instead of being put down, Dubs could be one of the first residents of the new concentration internment detention camp being built in Guantanamo Bay. However, widespread protests calling for Dubs’ public execution have disrupted this appeal. We reached out to Dubs for comment, but received no answer. 

Hopefully this leeching welfare queen will be given what he deserves, and the rest of us hard working Americans can sleep better at night knowing he is off the streets.