Man Refuses To Wear Mask In Public, Also Robs Bank
L.E.
Defying the recent mask mandate, a man lacking any face covering whatsoever was sighted in the University District yesterday afternoon, where he was last seen entering a Bank of America. Police currently have one suspect in custody and are interviewing witnesses to determine the series of events leading up to the crime.
“He walked up to me and put a gun straight to my head,” said eyewitness Taylor Tyau. “I was terrified. I mean, there’s no way his arm length was over six feet. He was clearly invading my personal space and breaking social distancing guidelines.” She paused briefly to blow her nose, depositing the tissue into what appeared to be a personal incinerator installed in her purse. “Plus, there’s the contact factor. I mean seriously? Touching my face with his gun? Studies show that coronavirus can live on cold hard American steel for over 48 hours. Now I have to get tested for the fourth time today. Just shooting me would’ve been easier.”
Bank teller Quinn Meyers was in critical condition after being shot multiple times, though she was able to give a brief summary as she was being stabilized through a fluid injection of Purell. “He asked me to place unmarked bills into a duffel bag, and not to try anything funny. I told him there’s no way I’m giving him the cash unless I wipe down each bill before I hand it to him. I can’t risk anything that will help spread the virus,” said Mrs. Meyers. “That’s when he shot me and told me to Google ‘plandemic’ before running away.” Mrs. Meyers says that she harbors no ill will towards her assailant, and only hopes that he will “return to fill out a customer satisfaction survey” in the near future.
“Thankfully the situation never got out of control,” said bank owner Emmett White as Mrs. Meyers was wheeled out on a stretcher behind him. “I mean if he had coughed on someone in here? I would’ve had a lawsuit on my hands. I just hope we catch this sneezing sonuva bitch.”
The suspect currently in custody has been identified as 42 year old Arthur Cardiff, and was taken in after being picked repeatedly out of this lineup by several witnesses to the crime.
When questioned, Mr. Cardiff revealed his intentions to rob the bank on the day of his aerosol assault, and claimed two other men had also planned to assist in the crime. This claim, however, is not substantiated by eyewitness reports, who only identified Mr. Cardiff at the scene.
“It is likely that witnesses would have failed to notice any armed co-conspirators, as they were focused on the more imminent threat of Mr. Cardiff’s exposed nostrils,” said Chief of Police Abraham Miller. “We’ll be charging him with reckless endangerment by mouthbreathing and failure to cover his cough.”
As for the other two men, it is highly unlikely that they will be taken into custody, as Cardiff was unable to give police any descriptive information. Why? “They were wearing masks,” Cardiff says.