Chiefs Super Bowl Win Rescinded Following Doping Allegations
The Kansas City Chiefs once again captured the Lombardi Trophy on Sunday night, beating the San Francisco 49ers in a stunning overtime victory. Celebrations were halted, however, when league officials released a statement a few hours later saying their win was to be investigated on account of the entire Chiefs team, including head coach Andy Reid, using performance enhancing drugs.
“We’re taking this investigation very seriously,” says NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall, “Athletes taking steroids to improve their performance on the field is completely against the rules of the NFL, and I personally will not stand for it.”
During the press conferences after the game, lab reports came back and revealed that the Kansas City Chiefs had all tested positive for a performance enhancing drug simply nicknamed “Pfizer.” Not a single other team in the league tested positive for this steroid, and the opposing San Francisco 49ers had quite a bit to say about it.
“This is worse than deflategate,” says 49ers quarterback Brock Purdy. “Apparently Kelce got it TWICE. He even encouraged his entire team to get it too. No one in the NFL knows what this stuff is – what it could do to you. It’s giving me chills just thinking about it.”
“Are you fucking kidding me,” says Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, “We all know what the Pfizer vaccine is right? You’re telling me that no other team in the NFL is vaccinated against COVID? That’s just disappointing. I just wanna protect the world, man.”
After giving his comments to the press, Kelce quickly headed into his partner Taylor Swift’s new Blarplanopter – a Dr. Seuss-esque machine that was emitting so much smog most other reporters left the press conference early.
“It's a plane, mixed with a helicopter, mixed with a Ford King Ranch F-150, mixed with a blimp,” said Swift, “I had it built after so many of my fans called for me to sell my Private Jet. It was actually Travis’s conception,” the singer beamed. Kelce sat behind her eating a burrito that was spilling all of its contents onto the floor, seemingly unbeknownst to him.
The NFL will announce more findings about the Chiefs win in the coming days, but it’s not looking good for users of this new “Pfizer” steroid, or the Kansas City Chiefs.