Washington Football Team Blames Lack of Penis for Disappointing Season

EUGENE, Oregon – The Washington Huskies fell to the Oregon Ducks 49-21 on Saturday in their final regular season game of the season. A year after shocking the country with a Sugar Bowl victory and an appearance in the National Championship game, the Huskies had a disappointing season, finishing at a mediocre 6-6. It was not the season first-year head coach Jedd Fisch envisioned when he took the reins in place of the Alabama-bound Kalen DeBoer. 

“I could talk about defensive struggles, or the impotent offense,” said Fisch, while devouring a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken with a Colonel Sanders bib hanging from his tennis visor, “but our problem this year was simply the lack of a penis.”

Preseason skeptics of the Huskies highlighted the lack of a penis as a clear issue that had the potential to haunt this team. Even if Washington quarterback Will Rogers played above expectations, the lack of a penis was predicted to hurt the offense's ability to penetrate the defense.

“Defensive penetration is key to an explosive offense,” said guy who has never played football but yells at the TV during games explaining why so-and-so play was dumb and what he would’ve done and thinks he would be a really good coach someday if he could just work up the courage to speak in public and is also named Charlie. “Sure, some teams can get away with OMAHA-CLIT-LICK or 242-THUMB-IN-THE-ASS, but with no penis you eventually get exposed.”

While the Huskies still have a shot at playing in a bowl game based on criteria unknown to this writer (I’m not gonna look it up), it will almost surely be one with a really stupid name. Washington will look to bounce back next season, but if they are unwilling to part with their Fisch with no penis, Husky fans may have to endure another underwhelming season next year.