UW Fraternities Face Minimal Repercussions After Synthesizing Mustard Gas, Violating 1993 Chemical Weapons Convention

J.N.

Several University of Washington Fraternities were thrust into the hot seat this past Monday after reports arose of sulfur-based biochemical warfare agents being released during a hotboxing event. UW Administration was quick to react, stating that there would be measures taken to prevent future injuries. 

 “We really mean it this time,” said an anonymous faculty member. “If this happens again, we are going to get super mad.” This statement was not the only action taken against the fraternities, with members of administration reportedly “counting down from ten” in hopes that the toxic substances would be relinquished.

The UW has yet to actually confiscate the chemical components that were used to synthesize the harmful agent, and frat bros were quick to stand their ground. As one of the affected fraternity members commented, “Aughhhguhh Heahghfhuh.”

A member of the Kappa Phi Theta house elaborated on this comment, “We aren’t going to stop partying, and we aren’t going to stop violating the already-tarnished legacy of the 1954 Geneva accords for anyone.”

Outraged, students have pushed for the expulsion of the individuals involved with the incident. Seattle PD responded swiftly, releasing several canisters of tear gas in attempts to fight off the encroaching sulfur mustard. It was ineffective.