University Lifts Mask Mandate for White Men

The University of Washington has lifted its indoor mask mandate for spring quarter, but for “white guys only.” The university wants to gather data about the spread of Covid without masks, and decided to do so with a smaller group. This is why the majority of people not wearing masks around campus are white guys.          

“We told them they were being brave pioneers,” said UW President Ana Mari Cauce, “but really, we decided that they were the least important and easily replaceable.”

The university will monitor the spread of Covid within the white-male community for the next two weeks before making a decision about whether or not to remove the mask mandate for the whole school.  White men have reported being “looked at weird” for being the only ones in classrooms without a mask. Although it is not ideal, there is little that can be done about this.

“We were able to convince them that they were jealous glares,” said Cauce when asked about the looking problem.

In an attempt to increase student body diversity, the university decided they could lose a few white guys instead of trying to add more students of color. The UW has since released a thorough rollout plan based on the value of students to decide when they can remove their masks. 

Cauce explained, “After white guys, we’ll allow sorority girls to remove their masks before moving on to the rest of the community. We have to make sure our students are going to be safe without masks.” 

Although the final goal of the university is to be completely mask-less, they may require their  <1% of Native American students to continue wearing masks indefinitely, as they “don’t wanna accept any soon, and really can’t afford to lose them.”