Man Debating Students in Quad Hired as Political Science Professor

January 10, 2025 by J.Z.

In a statement released five days before the start of Winter Quarter, the University of Washington revealed that a new political science professor will be joining their staff.

“It has come to our attention that there is a man in the quad who has been sparking political debate akin to that of the Roman Forum,” said political science department head James D. Long. “We heard this man talking over 19-year olds really fast and we knew we had to hire him.”

HUB to Take Away More Microwaves from Students

December 10, 2024 by Julia D.

By now, most of the UW student body has heard that the HUB took away the student-use microwave in their food court. This has in turn sparked outrage, ranging from instagram stories to reddit posts, all griping about no longer being able to heat up hot pockets. And yet, the HUB still isn’t done.

Washington Football Team Blames Lack of Penis for Disappointing Season

December 03, 2024 by Theo L.

EUGENE, Oregon – The Washington Huskies fell to the Oregon Ducks 49-21 on Saturday in their final regular season game of the season. A year after shocking the country with a Sugar Bowl victory and an appearance in the National Championship game, the Huskies had a disappointing season, finishing at a mediocre 6-6. It was not the season first-year head coach Jedd Fisch envisioned when he took the reins in place of the Alabama-bound Kalen DeBoer.

Jeremy Allen White Ruined Friendsgiving

November 26, 2024 by J.Z.

A new Thanksgiving tradition known as Friendsgiving has become a cultural phenomenon in the United States in the past decade. The event consists of friends gathering together for a large potluck dinner sometime in late November, and spending the evening being thankful for one another.

Opinion: Please Don’t Make Me Get an Internship

November 22, 2024 by A.S.

It’s fall. It’s beginning to rain. The temperature’s starting to get just cold enough that you’ll need a thin jacket while walking to your classes, but you’ll be slightly damp and sticky while sitting in your 300-person lectures. You’re always woken up at 6:30 in the morning from construction. You know it, you love it—It’s summer internship application season.

Legendary UW Procrastinator Forced Out of Retirement

November 19, 2024 by J.Z.

After narrowly submitting his latest 15 page midterm essay two minutes before the 11:59 pm deadline, third year political science student and general dumbass Michael Wong swore he would never procrastinate another assignment again.

Hall Health’s New Plan for Cold and Cough Season: Rub Some Dirt on It

November 15, 2024 by J.Z.

The University of Washington has become ground zero for Seattle’s treacherous cough and cold season. Students are dropping like flies as dorms, fraternities, and even classrooms have become breeding grounds for sickness.

Trump Wins: Women Die I Guess

November 07, 2024 by Mady B.

Trump ekes out a win after canceling every single mail-in ballot (again, but it worked this time) in a slow slide of land election. He officially broke the 270 mark yesterday morning after those pesky election workers finally finished counting with all their fingers and toes, not quite eviscerating Kamala Harris but at least hitting a T-bag.

Endorsement: A Kennedy That Probably Won’t Get Shot

November 05, 2024 by Off Leash News

To say that the 2024 Presidential Race will be a turning point in the history of the United States is dumb, because that’s what every single presidential race is, that’s the point. The president, once elected, does their job and then things happen, at least that’s what I’m led to believe. We the voters of like 7 states bestow a great power onto one individual, so the decision of those people in those 7 states should not be taken lightly. As a trusted news organization who’s readers span the globe*, Off Leash News felt like it was time we shared our informed and unbiased and stupid opinion on this presidential race. We have decided to officially endorse Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for President.

Opinion: I Want a Fucking Trick This Halloween

October 31, 2024 by Theo L.

Halloween is my favorite holiday. It has been since I was a wee lad, dressing up as Obi-Wan Kenobi or a zombie that one time. I was never into candy that much, but I was obsessed with the pageantry of Halloween. I’ve never been so into fashion than when I’m picking out my costume. That zombie costume I mentioned was actually really cool; we burned the edges of my t-shirt, spread charcoal stains on my jacket, and bloodied my face with some blood we found in our backyard. One year I was a hobo, which you can’t do anymore because of the woke left, but I embodied what it meant to be a homeless man as a 10-year old because we were living in a simpler time. I’m not even gonna talk about the time I was a princess.

UW Unveils New Scholarship for Sex Offenders

October 29, 2024 by Julia D.

If everything else fails, one thing remains true: University of Washington will never be outdone by Washington State University. Not in academics, not in location, not in football unless you count those times that were fake anyways, and certainly not in sexually offending students. Therefore, when Washington State came under fire in mid-September for allowing a level three sex offender to attend classes, University of Washington administration knew it had to do something.

UW to Host Career Layoff Fairs to Prepare Students for Tough Job Market

October 25, 2024 by Mady B.

Career fairs have taken the job market by storm, revolutionizing how students think about career networking. The University of Washington touts numerous patterns where these fairs can be discovered, including a unique section on the platform Handshake. On the ground, though, the situation is dire. There are far too few recruiters and too many attendees. Third-year comp science student, Michael Bayely, described his concerns over having attended so many career fairs to middling results.

Former President Trump Announces Sexy Calendar Shoot to Combat National Debt

October 23, 2024 by A.S.

If you’ve ever wanted to see how Senator Romney loosens up during his visits to Miami, or what Representative Boebert wishes she wore while at the movie theater, you’re in luck.

Obituary: The Story of My Life Has Ended Abruptly

October 18, 2024 by Off Leash News

News broke Wednesday, October 16 that One Direction “star” Liam Payne has died after falling from a Buenos Aires balcony, much to the dismay of many fans. The “singer” was reportedly behaving erratically and was believed to be under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

Opinion: I Know When the Big One's Coming

October 16, 2024 by Nissa S.

First things first, I’m really fucking smart. I got a 1420 on my SAT’s when I was a junior in high school, and Harvard just about got down on their knees and sucked whatever I’ve got down there just to beg me to come to them. But lucky for you guys, I chose the University of Washington in good ol’ Seattle, because somebody’s gotta tell those dusty seismo-nerds jacking it to little heart monitor scribbles when they need to ditch the “Drop. Cover. And Hold On.”

Crushes Return as Classes Resume, to the Dismay of Many

October 08, 2024 by Julia D.

As the school year opens, so do many hearts, and also many legs. This can be fine, especially with those who are okay bumping uglies and then never seeing their ugly bumping partner again, however not everyone can be that emotionally unavailable and unafraid to stare down the looming monster known as chlamydia. And God knows that for every unabashed slut roaming UDistrict, there’s a hopeless romantic with misguided trust sitting at home. Or at a bar.

As Election Nears, UW to Offer AimLab Class

October 04, 2024 by Mady B.

After over nearly a century of brewing Second Amendment tensions, Americans have cultivated a reputation for being gun-loving freedom whores armed with military-grade assault rifles. In recent years though, something else has become clear. Maybe it’s not reallythat surprising we got our asses kicked in Vietnam. Clearly none of you bitches can shoot a gun.

School is Back, Give Me Adderall Now!

October 01, 2024 by Isaac B.

FWOC. (First Week of Class, for any losers.) A time honored tradition. The only time when it really does seem like 40,000 students go to this school, because somehow every single one of them has managed to get in my way today.

2024 Commencement Canceled Because F*** You, That’s Why

May 31, 2024 by Lucy I.

In a somewhat shocking announcement this morning, the Office of Ceremonies has stated that 2024 Annual Commencement ceremonies across all departments, including The Big One, will be canceled, though the reason behind this decision remains unclear to the public. In an email sent to all students, faculty, and staff, the Office of Ceremonies also included a link to a file titled “womp_womp.mp3,” which, predictably, was an audio recording of a melancholy trombone sound.

UW Alumni Association Adopts Kinky Fundraising Strategy

May 21, 2024 by Blake J.

The UW Alumni Association, UWAA (not to be confused with UW Alcoholics Anonymous – also commonly referred to as Off Leash News) is one of the great benefits of being a member of the UW Dawg Pack. The association gives UW Alumni the opportunity to add people you don’t know on Linkedin, see people make six figures working at Amazon right out of college while you are stuck working as a barista, and check up on the guy you hooked up with two years ago.