It happens every time. I’m walking to classes, minding my own business when over the horizon I see it. Fully erect, cut at the tip and usually dripping wet from the early morning mist, it is there. The obelisk.
Read MoreIn an attempt to increase her relatability and goodwill with students, President Ana Mari Cauce has announced her decision to permanently change her title from president to principal. She has already started implementing measures to match her new image such as daily morning announcements and wearing super loose skinny jeans.
Read MoreUW freshman, Noah Johnson, felt deep regret after buying a box of thirty-six condoms at the beginning of the year, thinking he would be having a lot more sex than he currently is. Johnson bought the condoms at the University District Target in late September…
Read MoreAs UW continues the gradual reopening of campus they have sent out various emails to update the student body. One such email came from the office of the registrar, informing students that since class will be in-person for the foreseeable future, they will begin charging full tuition again.
Read MoreThe university’s health center, notorious for great advice like “go ask your other doctor” and “fix your chapped lips by licking them” has come up with yet another sensational idea to combat declining student mental health: group therapy.
Read MoreLocal student Vin Myers has been confirmed as homosexual after hugging his friend for 3.8 seconds, 0.4 seconds past the legal limit for straight men. While Off Leash analysts initially thought Myers could have been operating under special circumstances allowing him to extend the length of the hug (return from military duty, BAC over 0.25), we found no evidence for this. The only conclusion? Vin Myers is a flaming homosexual and wants the world to know it.
Read MoreThe President of the Delta Gamma Kappa Purity Fraternity may have another accomplishment to add to his resume before graduating. Conner Cole, a UW senior, never thought he would be making history this quarter.. However, after testing positive for Covid at the end of Fall quarter, Cole has a chance to set the world COVID infection record with an unprecedented fifth positive test result.
Read MoreDear UW Community,
It’s back. Mmm, that sinking feeling in your stomach, not knowing when the next time is that you’re going to leave the house. Yeah, I bet you like it, you’re gonna go back to being a disgusting little gremlin that never exercises and eats like a child of divorce whose parents aren’t around. You told your psychiatrist to lower the dosage on your meds? GO BACK. DOUBLE THEM. God, you'd better, you sickening, sickening person.
Read MoreWith the reintroduction of remote learning this quarter, you would assume that students would find themselves disoriented socially, and struggling to transition into online school again. However, this week the UW Counseling Center impressed the local student body by adding 8 new fidget toys into the center’s waiting room.
Read MoreWhile news headlines recently were dominated by word of QAnon crusaders flocking to Dallas, TX to witness the second coming of Our Lord and Savior John F. Kennedy Jr., the University District has been just as shocked by the congregation of the same group to our beloved campus in hopes of another notable presidential return.
Read MoreAnti-abortion protestors have frequented Red Square in an attempt to persuade pro-choicers with images of the little red goblin shrimp fresh out of your 9 hour old pad. To everyone’s shock and dismay, these efforts have been mostly ineffective.
Read MoreThis past Saturday, all hell broke loose on Greek row sans any reason at all. Street signs were stolen, fire alarms were pulled, scooters were trashed, and pedestrians were hazed in the “highly contentious” background of week 8. When asked about the current state of affairs on Greek row, local frat boy Chad Fratington panicked and hurled his iPhone 12 across the street shouting “AAhh! I dunno! I dunno! I dunno!”
Read MoreA tantrum broke out at the Burke museum this past week, as local paleontologist Greg Polinsky began destroying dinosaur fossils in a fit of passion. “I DON’T WANNA PLAY WITH DINOSAURS ANYMORE” yelled the 56 year old, smashing a baseball bat into the skull of a Spinosaurus. Fragments of glass and fossilized bone spewed over the floor.
Read MoreIt is accepted among students and faculty that Smith Hall is much like a day-old banana, pretty on the outside, a post-apocalyptic war zone on the inside. The 10:30 Philosophy 101 quiz section is currently being held atop a loose floorboard suspended over a gaping hole in the floor of Smith 217. There is a rabid raccoon-bat infestation on the third floor. Not raccoons and bats, this is a new species entirely. And yes it has rabies.
Read MoreAfter six consecutive “extraordinary circumstances” quarters, the Office of the Provost has designated this Fall 2021 quarter as a “regular chill quarter where everything is super normal and fine.” This was announced in an email blast that also mentioned the bomb cyclone warning, a raise in tuition, and the third armed robbery of the week. To get a sense of where the administration was coming from, we sat down with members of the committee behind this decision…
Read MoreIn a recent poll conducted by the Department of Statistics, student satisfaction soared to 8% after sitting comfortably at 2% since COVID-19 hit campus (Note: 2% margin of error). The University of Washington has returned to in-person classes after a year and a half of online school, and students are happier than ever. Awkwardly avoiding eye contact with strangers on the street has returned, friends that weren’t quite close enough to ignore social distancing guidelines have reunited, and professors’ endlessly recycled jokes have been totally killing it.
Read MoreSunday that when the Student goes to the HUB. It keeps the student try to go. This problem is very much there. Because there are student, they and the University are on Sunday when that happened. This is why:
Every time student go to the HUB it try to University too. But why? This is because that when University go, student go too. This is very sad. Faculty at UW try too. But fail. Unfortunately, this is at a heavy price but also when midterm yesterday and the other but behind in the but here’s the thing: mother’s folder in the orientation. But when. When? And why? Help me.
Read MoreThe school of art + art history + design has recently announced that, effective immediately, senior capstones are no longer required for those who intend to graduate with a concentration in photo/media. The email announcing this change went on to say that students may actually be penalized for sending in capstones and that they "might just send you to fishery sciences or something idk."
Read MoreIf you’ve tried to get food on campus you’ve seen it: lines and lines of students. This Fall quarter, campus has seen more lines than a frat house coffee table. The recent increase in student population is not a new phenomenon; between 1854 and 1889, the UW student population increased from 30 students to 300.
If this data is correct, then UW undoubtedly increases its student population by tenfold every 35 years. This means that by 1924, the UW should have had 3,000 students. By 1959, 30,000. This brings us to today, wherein the University of Washington has 2,314,286 students on campus.
Read MoreHello Huskies! It’s been quite a while since we’ve been back on campus, and we’re excited to see you all soon! Before you get back to campus, there are a some important changes that have happened in our absence you need to be aware of.
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