UW Apologizes For Failing To Create An Unhealthily Competitive Environment In ASUW Elections

Off Leash Newsroom

The University of Washington expressed guilt in a statement this morning regarding the recent controversy surrounding the Daily’s coverage of ASUW elections. As President Ana Marie Cauce expressed:

“We were appalled to hear that the ASUW elections were being run uncontested. We try our best to create a toxic learning environment, where students are forced to give up their hopes and dreams due to fierce competition.”

Cauce concluded the email by stating that “The University of…

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Top 10 Ways I Used Dubs’ Death To Get Out of Online Classes

Off Leash Newsroom

Let’s face it: a beloved mascot dying is nothing to joke about. Dubs was not only a symbol of school pride for many, but a relief from the everyday stresses of undergraduate life.

Like many of you, when Dubs died I was super excited at the possibilities this situation presented. Being in online classes can get so boring and I really don’t want to go to them. So in honor of Dubs I made a list of 10 ways that I have (and you should) use his euthanization as a means to get out of zoom, and be happier because of it.

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UW Fraternities Face Minimal Repercussions After Synthesizing Mustard Gas, Violating 1993 Chemical Weapons Convention

Off Leash Newsroom

Several University of Washington Fraternities were thrust into the hot seat this past Monday after reports arose of sulfur-based biochemical warfare agents being released during a hotboxing event. UW Administration was quick to react, stating that there would be measures taken to prevent future injuries.

“We really mean it this time,” said an anonymous faculty member. “If this happens again, we are going to get super mad.” This…

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UW Students Strike, Refuse to Pay Full Tuition

Off Leash Newsroom

This Valentine’s Day Weekend, UW students came together to demand kinder treatment from their beloved institution. Rather than sending their tuition checks as usual, students will be mailing in homemade coupons for various romantic gifts and activities.

Strike leader Hart Smith (’22) commented that “We all love the University of Washington. But sometimes, we feel like the University of Washington doesn’t love us.” Smith then raised a protest sign that read “We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve,” and marched off to write a coupon for one home-cooked, candlelit dinner.

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Shocking Reveal! While Awaiting Cease of Right-Wing Terrorist Threat, Congress Played “Spin the Bottle”

Off Leash News Room

Of what is sure to be but the first of 2021’s many crises, the attempted coup at the U.S. Capitol Building will inevitably go down as the most appalling. There is no doubt that the events on the sixth of January were the fruit of this nation’s ancient hypocrisy and indecency. However, there is also no doubt that said events paved the way for the most bountiful harvest of all: the realization of the long-germinating Congressional romance the American people have awaited.

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2020 Revealed To Be Elaborate Banksy Art Piece

In a shocking turn of events this past week, the London street artist Banksy came forward as the man behind nearly every major news story of 2020. In a recent Instagram post, Banksy had this to say for himself:

“I don’t keep my identity secret because I want it to be separate from my art. It is because I wish to cover up my crimes of treason, chemical and biological warfare.”

Banksy began to list out a series of shocking events that he played a part in.

“Iranian general Qasem Soleimani was killed on the orders of me because I ran out of things to make art about. Also I thought…

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Off Leash News Issue 5: Achieve Enlightenment for only $5 (Plus Shipping)

What if I told you that I could sell you a guide to inner peace for the low, low cost of $5 (plus shipping)? You’d probably laugh and tell me to fuck off, because you’re no fool, and you know a fraud when you see one. But what if I told you that, for only $5 (and a little extra for shipping), you could hold in your hands a physical copy of Off Leash Magazine’s newest issue?

That’s right, baby. Off Leash is back.

And this time, we’re coming at you with our boldest, most creative, most completely bonkers edition yet: The Conspiracy Issue.

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Dumbfuck Assholes Condemn Actions of Dumbfuck Political Assholes

Off Leash News Room

The identity of America was forever changed this week when a group of Trump ralliers turned violent mob stormed the capitol building, temporarily halting Congress from ratifying Mr.Biden’s election victory. This event was the culmination of a major rift that has been growing over the last 4 years throughout the nation’s largest demographic, Dumbfuck Assholes. It is no longer possible to ignore the new and dangerous subcategory within the demographic, who are officially known as Dumbfuck Political Assholes. Over the last 24 hours, the nation’s most prestigious Dumbfuck Assholes have spoken out, largely condemning the actions of this rogue political subgroup.

Lauretta Westly is known as the first internet creator to pour gallon containers of milk on herself at various grocery…

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Lazy Jack O’ Lantern Or Pumpkin Fucker? A Greek Row Mystery

Off Leash Newsroom

When I was asked by Off Leash News to write an investigative journal piece for Halloween, I was admittedly overwhelmed. Not only does UW have a severe lack of on-campus students right now, but finding a spooky topic that hasn’t been written about to death (pun intended) was going to be a challenge.

However, while I walked around Greek Row, pondering whether zombies had invaded the area or if it was just a normal day on the ave, I came across a peculiar anomaly. As a forensics major, I couldn’t pass up this opportunity to record it in my notes:

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No Admission? No Problem! UWPD Introduces New 3 Week Training Program for UW Rejects

Off Leash Newsroom

Are you a diehard husky fan who is still waiting to hear from the waitlist? Have you already been rejected from the rowing team and talked to your dad’s old frat brother who is on the admissions board? Well, you heard it from us first: 2020 might just be your year after all. Yesterday, President Ana Mari Cauce officially announced UW’s newest partnership—the UWPD Advanced Standing Selective Workforce Assignment Degree, commonly known as ASSWAD. This 21 day boot camp will give you and the other cadets everything you need to be a UWPD officer. Soon you’ll be on your way to making sure our community stays exactly how it is. Already gaining immense popularity, ASSWAD has received 650 applications following its feature on the UW Interfraternity Council’s Instagram story last night.

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Man Refuses To Wear Mask In Public, Also Robs Bank

Off Leash Newsroom

Defying the recent mask mandate, a man lacking any face covering whatsoever was sighted in the University District yesterday afternoon, where he was last seen entering a Bank of America. Police currently have one suspect in custody and are interviewing witnesses to determine the series of events leading up to the crime.

“He walked up to me and put a gun straight to my head,” said eyewitness Taylor Tyau. “I was terrified. I mean, there’s no way his arm length was over six feet. He was clearly invading my personal space and breaking social distancing guidelines.” She paused briefly to blow her nose, depositing the tissue into what appeared to be a personal incinerator installed in her purse. “Plus, there’s the contact factor. I mean seriously? Touching my face with his gun? Studies show that coronavirus can live on cold hard American steel for over 48 hours. Now I have to get tested for the fourth time today. Just shooting me would’ve been easier.”

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UW HFS Will Provide Testing to All Incoming Dorm Residents

Off Leash Newsroom

This Monday, UW Housing and Food Services announced that all incoming dorm residents will undergo mandatory tests of their breath-holding ability before moving into their rooms. Meant to determine whether a given student can successfully hold their breath for the length of a 6-minute elevator ride, these tests will be administered by trained medical professionals at pop-up locations around campus.

“We want to be sure that our residents are able to keep their pesky, possibly-disease-ridden breath to themselves for a solid amount of time,” said HFS officials in their prepared statement. “Many of these kids will be using the elevators (which, if you haven’t noticed, are confined spaces with very little air flow) multiple times per day. Therefore, it is of utmost importance that they learn to keep those stanky fumes locked in tight where they belong.”

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Breaking: UW Administration Announces New Graduation Requirements

Off Leash Newsroom

Dear Students,

It has been a while since many of you have set foot on campus, but rest assured, we are working hard to make your re-introduction to the university community as seamless as possible. That being said, we are also rather “excited” (in a tough-love sort of way) to announce a new set of graduation requirements. These requirements, which shall train you for the SHITE you may encounter on a daily basis, are designed to “build character,” “put you through the ringer,” and “inflict pain in new and unpredictable ways.” We understand that this may come as a shock to many, but please keep in mind that we only want what’s best for you.

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UWPD Receiving Non-Stop Phone Calls About Pigs In Station

Off Leash Newsroom

Tuesday this week, UWPD issued a statement requesting that 911 be used for emergency purposes only, after receiving a sudden influx of calls reporting ‘pigs’ occupying the police station.

“We are well aware of the strained relations between the public and the police at the moment,” said Chief of Police Abraham Miller. “UWPD is committed to serving our community and we support those speaking out against social injustice. However, we ask that callers voice their concerns through the non-emergency response number, or by contacting their local representatives. The 911 response line is for emergency calls only, and jokes about—” Miller was unable to finish his comment, however, as he was suddenly speared in the chest by a wild boar, which had apparently been hiding under his desk for the last several hours.

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Chick-Fil-A Executives Celebrate Successful Distraction From Pride Month

Off Leash Newsroom

His brow sweating with the persistence of a leaking deep fryer, Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan T. Cathy stood before a group of his fast food empire’s top executives. Gripping the board room table, knuckles whiter than the meat served to customers, his face contorted into the ecstasy of a youth pastor finally losing his virginity. “WE FUCKING DID IT,” he cried. Ripping off his button-down to reveal a Black Lives Matter t-shirt, Cathy and the entire board room began dancing with the skills of decapitated poultry to ear-splitting Christian rock music.

Chick-Fil-A has been a company long acquainted with controversy involving the LGBTQ community. However, the…

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We Are the Virus: Burke Museum Mammoth Comes Back to Life, Takes Press Corps Hostage on Live Television

Off Leash Newsroom

On Wednesday morning, security personnel at the Burke Museum were surprised to find the animated bones of a Columbian mammoth wandering the grounds of the University of Washington. The mammoth, who escaped his exhibit at the museum and introduced himself to campus police officers with a sequence of haunted, elephantine trumpetings, was escorted to City Hall for a press conference.

"It's a novel situation," commented the museum's chief paleontologist Balbus Diggs, who suggested the statewide COVID quarantine's reduction in carbon emissions may have contributed to the resurrection. "We're seeing it all over the world: birds returning to cities, coyotes pissing on fire hydrants. It's really beautiful." When asked whether an interview with the mammoth’s remains might help to shed light on missing links in the evolutionary record, Diggs’s eyes rolled back in his head and he whispered, “Evolution is a hoax,” citing the book of Genesis as evidence while scuttling backward from the room.

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Quirky: These Scientists Will Help you Escape Lockdown

Off Leash News Room

Lockdown orders are lifting around the country, yet many are apprehensive. There are concerns that prematurely unleashing the nose-pickers and palm-lickers of the world will trigger a devastating second wave of political pundit debates. Fortunately, Peter Kelling and Emanuel Franco, the dreamboat computer science duo at the University of Washington, have found a way to end social distancing forever.

“The solution is simple,” explained Franco, “Why spend all of your time inside, worrying about sickness, when you could live your life as a robot? By transferring your conscious self into a state-of-the-art mechanical vessel, you can escape the pandemic and the struggle of social distancing at the same time!”

But to these studly programmers, mechanization is more than just an idea, it is a way of life. With display monitors mounted on wide chrome bodies and claw-like hands that look like they were designed to ruin your arcade birthday party by intentionally dropping that shiny new ipod, the new and improved Kelling and Franco answer the question of what Pixar’s Wall-E would look like if he were designed by Apple Inc.

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Hero Spotlight: Mr. Clean Caught On Campus in Skin-Tight Hazmat Suit

Off Leash Newsroom

We all know this whole “stay home, stay healthy” thing has been harder for some than others. While many of us are using our last ounces of willpower to not sneak out of the house to lick the sidewalk, we all have those friends who seem to be doing whatever they can to keep that curve rounder than a hot piece of ass. Doesn’t that shit just make you want to punch a hole in your parents’ drywall?

Don’t worry, dawgs. You’re not alone. The UW community is now under the protection of the hero we never knew actually existed: Mr. Clean. Armed with a bleach bucket and a half-empty bottle of Everclear with his own face on it, Mr. Clean has taken it upon himself, a self-proclaimed anarchist, to single handedly stop COVID-19.

Cindy Summer, ‘22, was leaving her dorm on Monday night to pick up her takeout, when a booming voice stopped her from across the quad: “Cindy, where the FUCK is your mask?” Summer was terrified: “He started clumsily running towards me in a sparkling blue hazmat suit with “SUPER CLEAN” handwritten across the front. I almost had a fucking heart attack. Like, how does this weird off-brand Superman know my name and why is he slurring his words?”

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Newest Off Leash Magazine Available Now!

We saw your shitty memes. Your subtweets. Your endless stream of mindless political content. We’ve all been desperately attempting to take the edge off this horrifying world crisis. Little did you know, young one, is that what you’ve needed all along is for your favorite local fake news source to take your mundane existence and turn it into a joke!

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