When they bloom, UW’s cherry blossom trees possess an almost unworldly beauty, rivaled only by the likes of Cleopatra and Iggy Azalea. However, like Cleopatra and Iggy Azalea, the cherry blossom trees can be dangerous.

House shows have been an integral part of the U District for a long time, I think. Every weekend, multiple venues host small local bands so that UW students can use music as an excuse to get piss drunk enough to not think about the years they’ll need to spend in this godforsaken institution. These gatherings also invite a culture of “fashion” and “rejection of mainstream society,” but individuals who subscribe to these alternative ideals seem to spend most of their time shitting on other people doing the same thing as them. Regardless, the administration has decided it has had enough. 

Are you going to a beach this spring break? Somewhere warm? Like San Diego or Cabo? What are you, some kind of bitch? Yeah, that’s what I thought. At Off Leash, we aren’t bitches. We smoke cigarettes and eat rocks for breakfast.

As Spring approaches, many students begin to dream of graduating, soaking up some sun, and no longer wanting to eat glass. After all, it is the season of renewal. But fantasies of escaping this well financially, but poor penisly, endowed institution may soon be squashed for the class of Spring 2023.

Ah, winter. The season where everything dies, Twitter is filled with complaints of seasonal depression, and your classmate reminds you they’re from a colder climate. We here at Off Leash see you, out of state students from frozen wastelands, and we want you to know you’re heard. So you can stop telling everyone that winters are worse in the hell you originated in.

In lieu of this year’s somewhat successful football season, Coach Füt Bahl has decided to implement changes  beyond drafting new, impressionable high schoolers. Bahl stated he hopes to win every football next year, before star player James Vagina graduates and starts playing on the big football field in the sky.

In a recent poll of every single student on campus, it was determined students don’t think there’s enough construction. This comes after years of total silence on campus, a dry spell from UW’s usual desired and timely renovations or new builds.

Wednesday afternoon, to the surprise and even horror of many UW students, a child was spotted on campus. The child was part of a field trip from a local middle school, meant to encourage youngsters to attend college, but reactions from the college students may have had the opposite effect.