With the reintroduction of remote learning this quarter, you would assume that students would find themselves disoriented socially, and struggling to transition into online school again. However, this week the UW Counseling Center impressed the local student body by adding 8 new fidget toys into the center’s waiting room.
Read MoreWhile news headlines recently were dominated by word of QAnon crusaders flocking to Dallas, TX to witness the second coming of Our Lord and Savior John F. Kennedy Jr., the University District has been just as shocked by the congregation of the same group to our beloved campus in hopes of another notable presidential return.
Read MoreAnti-abortion protestors have frequented Red Square in an attempt to persuade pro-choicers with images of the little red goblin shrimp fresh out of your 9 hour old pad. To everyone’s shock and dismay, these efforts have been mostly ineffective.
Read MoreThis past Saturday, all hell broke loose on Greek row sans any reason at all. Street signs were stolen, fire alarms were pulled, scooters were trashed, and pedestrians were hazed in the “highly contentious” background of week 8. When asked about the current state of affairs on Greek row, local frat boy Chad Fratington panicked and hurled his iPhone 12 across the street shouting “AAhh! I dunno! I dunno! I dunno!”
Read MoreA tantrum broke out at the Burke museum this past week, as local paleontologist Greg Polinsky began destroying dinosaur fossils in a fit of passion. “I DON’T WANNA PLAY WITH DINOSAURS ANYMORE” yelled the 56 year old, smashing a baseball bat into the skull of a Spinosaurus. Fragments of glass and fossilized bone spewed over the floor.
Read MoreIt is accepted among students and faculty that Smith Hall is much like a day-old banana, pretty on the outside, a post-apocalyptic war zone on the inside. The 10:30 Philosophy 101 quiz section is currently being held atop a loose floorboard suspended over a gaping hole in the floor of Smith 217. There is a rabid raccoon-bat infestation on the third floor. Not raccoons and bats, this is a new species entirely. And yes it has rabies.
Read MoreAfter six consecutive “extraordinary circumstances” quarters, the Office of the Provost has designated this Fall 2021 quarter as a “regular chill quarter where everything is super normal and fine.” This was announced in an email blast that also mentioned the bomb cyclone warning, a raise in tuition, and the third armed robbery of the week. To get a sense of where the administration was coming from, we sat down with members of the committee behind this decision…
Read MoreIn a recent poll conducted by the Department of Statistics, student satisfaction soared to 8% after sitting comfortably at 2% since COVID-19 hit campus (Note: 2% margin of error). The University of Washington has returned to in-person classes after a year and a half of online school, and students are happier than ever. Awkwardly avoiding eye contact with strangers on the street has returned, friends that weren’t quite close enough to ignore social distancing guidelines have reunited, and professors’ endlessly recycled jokes have been totally killing it.
Read MoreSunday that when the Student goes to the HUB. It keeps the student try to go. This problem is very much there. Because there are student, they and the University are on Sunday when that happened. This is why:
Every time student go to the HUB it try to University too. But why? This is because that when University go, student go too. This is very sad. Faculty at UW try too. But fail. Unfortunately, this is at a heavy price but also when midterm yesterday and the other but behind in the but here’s the thing: mother’s folder in the orientation. But when. When? And why? Help me.
Read MoreThe school of art + art history + design has recently announced that, effective immediately, senior capstones are no longer required for those who intend to graduate with a concentration in photo/media. The email announcing this change went on to say that students may actually be penalized for sending in capstones and that they "might just send you to fishery sciences or something idk."
Read MoreIf you’ve tried to get food on campus you’ve seen it: lines and lines of students. This Fall quarter, campus has seen more lines than a frat house coffee table. The recent increase in student population is not a new phenomenon; between 1854 and 1889, the UW student population increased from 30 students to 300.
If this data is correct, then UW undoubtedly increases its student population by tenfold every 35 years. This means that by 1924, the UW should have had 3,000 students. By 1959, 30,000. This brings us to today, wherein the University of Washington has 2,314,286 students on campus.
Read MoreHello Huskies! It’s been quite a while since we’ve been back on campus, and we’re excited to see you all soon! Before you get back to campus, there are a some important changes that have happened in our absence you need to be aware of.
Read MoreThe University of Washington expressed guilt in a statement this morning regarding the recent controversy surrounding the Daily’s coverage of ASUW elections. As President Ana Marie Cauce expressed:
“We were appalled to hear that the ASUW elections were being run uncontested. We try our best to create a toxic learning environment, where students are forced to give up their hopes and dreams due to fierce competition.”
Cauce concluded the email by stating that “The University of…
Read MoreLet’s face it: a beloved mascot dying is nothing to joke about. Dubs was not only a symbol of school pride for many, but a relief from the everyday stresses of undergraduate life.
Like many of you, when Dubs died I was super excited at the possibilities this situation presented. Being in online classes can get so boring and I really don’t want to go to them. So in honor of Dubs I made a list of 10 ways that I have (and you should) use his euthanization as a means to get out of zoom, and be happier because of it.
Read MoreSeveral University of Washington Fraternities were thrust into the hot seat this past Monday after reports arose of sulfur-based biochemical warfare agents being released during a hotboxing event. UW Administration was quick to react, stating that there would be measures taken to prevent future injuries.
“We really mean it this time,” said an anonymous faculty member. “If this happens again, we are going to get super mad.” This…
Read MoreThis Valentine’s Day Weekend, UW students came together to demand kinder treatment from their beloved institution. Rather than sending their tuition checks as usual, students will be mailing in homemade coupons for various romantic gifts and activities.
Strike leader Hart Smith (’22) commented that “We all love the University of Washington. But sometimes, we feel like the University of Washington doesn’t love us.” Smith then raised a protest sign that read “We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve,” and marched off to write a coupon for one home-cooked, candlelit dinner.
Read MoreOf what is sure to be but the first of 2021’s many crises, the attempted coup at the U.S. Capitol Building will inevitably go down as the most appalling. There is no doubt that the events on the sixth of January were the fruit of this nation’s ancient hypocrisy and indecency. However, there is also no doubt that said events paved the way for the most bountiful harvest of all: the realization of the long-germinating Congressional romance the American people have awaited.
Read MoreIn a shocking turn of events this past week, the London street artist Banksy came forward as the man behind nearly every major news story of 2020. In a recent Instagram post, Banksy had this to say for himself:
“I don’t keep my identity secret because I want it to be separate from my art. It is because I wish to cover up my crimes of treason, chemical and biological warfare.”
Banksy began to list out a series of shocking events that he played a part in.
“Iranian general Qasem Soleimani was killed on the orders of me because I ran out of things to make art about. Also I thought…
Read MoreWhat if I told you that I could sell you a guide to inner peace for the low, low cost of $5 (plus shipping)? You’d probably laugh and tell me to fuck off, because you’re no fool, and you know a fraud when you see one. But what if I told you that, for only $5 (and a little extra for shipping), you could hold in your hands a physical copy of Off Leash Magazine’s newest issue?
That’s right, baby. Off Leash is back.
And this time, we’re coming at you with our boldest, most creative, most completely bonkers edition yet: The Conspiracy Issue.
Read MoreThe identity of America was forever changed this week when a group of Trump ralliers turned violent mob stormed the capitol building, temporarily halting Congress from ratifying Mr.Biden’s election victory. This event was the culmination of a major rift that has been growing over the last 4 years throughout the nation’s largest demographic, Dumbfuck Assholes. It is no longer possible to ignore the new and dangerous subcategory within the demographic, who are officially known as Dumbfuck Political Assholes. Over the last 24 hours, the nation’s most prestigious Dumbfuck Assholes have spoken out, largely condemning the actions of this rogue political subgroup.
Lauretta Westly is known as the first internet creator to pour gallon containers of milk on herself at various grocery…
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