Lazy Jack O’ Lantern Or Pumpkin Fucker? A Greek Row Mystery

Off Leash Newsroom

When I was asked by Off Leash News to write an investigative journal piece for Halloween, I was admittedly overwhelmed. Not only does UW have a severe lack of on-campus students right now, but finding a spooky topic that hasn’t been written about to death (pun intended) was going to be a challenge.

However, while I walked around Greek Row, pondering whether zombies had invaded the area or if it was just a normal day on the ave, I came across a peculiar anomaly. As a forensics major, I couldn’t pass up this opportunity to record it in my notes:

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No Admission? No Problem! UWPD Introduces New 3 Week Training Program for UW Rejects

Off Leash Newsroom

Are you a diehard husky fan who is still waiting to hear from the waitlist? Have you already been rejected from the rowing team and talked to your dad’s old frat brother who is on the admissions board? Well, you heard it from us first: 2020 might just be your year after all. Yesterday, President Ana Mari Cauce officially announced UW’s newest partnership—the UWPD Advanced Standing Selective Workforce Assignment Degree, commonly known as ASSWAD. This 21 day boot camp will give you and the other cadets everything you need to be a UWPD officer. Soon you’ll be on your way to making sure our community stays exactly how it is. Already gaining immense popularity, ASSWAD has received 650 applications following its feature on the UW Interfraternity Council’s Instagram story last night.

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Man Refuses To Wear Mask In Public, Also Robs Bank

Off Leash Newsroom

Defying the recent mask mandate, a man lacking any face covering whatsoever was sighted in the University District yesterday afternoon, where he was last seen entering a Bank of America. Police currently have one suspect in custody and are interviewing witnesses to determine the series of events leading up to the crime.

“He walked up to me and put a gun straight to my head,” said eyewitness Taylor Tyau. “I was terrified. I mean, there’s no way his arm length was over six feet. He was clearly invading my personal space and breaking social distancing guidelines.” She paused briefly to blow her nose, depositing the tissue into what appeared to be a personal incinerator installed in her purse. “Plus, there’s the contact factor. I mean seriously? Touching my face with his gun? Studies show that coronavirus can live on cold hard American steel for over 48 hours. Now I have to get tested for the fourth time today. Just shooting me would’ve been easier.”

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UW HFS Will Provide Testing to All Incoming Dorm Residents

Off Leash Newsroom

This Monday, UW Housing and Food Services announced that all incoming dorm residents will undergo mandatory tests of their breath-holding ability before moving into their rooms. Meant to determine whether a given student can successfully hold their breath for the length of a 6-minute elevator ride, these tests will be administered by trained medical professionals at pop-up locations around campus.

“We want to be sure that our residents are able to keep their pesky, possibly-disease-ridden breath to themselves for a solid amount of time,” said HFS officials in their prepared statement. “Many of these kids will be using the elevators (which, if you haven’t noticed, are confined spaces with very little air flow) multiple times per day. Therefore, it is of utmost importance that they learn to keep those stanky fumes locked in tight where they belong.”

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Breaking: UW Administration Announces New Graduation Requirements

Off Leash Newsroom

Dear Students,

It has been a while since many of you have set foot on campus, but rest assured, we are working hard to make your re-introduction to the university community as seamless as possible. That being said, we are also rather “excited” (in a tough-love sort of way) to announce a new set of graduation requirements. These requirements, which shall train you for the SHITE you may encounter on a daily basis, are designed to “build character,” “put you through the ringer,” and “inflict pain in new and unpredictable ways.” We understand that this may come as a shock to many, but please keep in mind that we only want what’s best for you.

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UWPD Receiving Non-Stop Phone Calls About Pigs In Station

Off Leash Newsroom

Tuesday this week, UWPD issued a statement requesting that 911 be used for emergency purposes only, after receiving a sudden influx of calls reporting ‘pigs’ occupying the police station.

“We are well aware of the strained relations between the public and the police at the moment,” said Chief of Police Abraham Miller. “UWPD is committed to serving our community and we support those speaking out against social injustice. However, we ask that callers voice their concerns through the non-emergency response number, or by contacting their local representatives. The 911 response line is for emergency calls only, and jokes about—” Miller was unable to finish his comment, however, as he was suddenly speared in the chest by a wild boar, which had apparently been hiding under his desk for the last several hours.

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Chick-Fil-A Executives Celebrate Successful Distraction From Pride Month

Off Leash Newsroom

His brow sweating with the persistence of a leaking deep fryer, Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan T. Cathy stood before a group of his fast food empire’s top executives. Gripping the board room table, knuckles whiter than the meat served to customers, his face contorted into the ecstasy of a youth pastor finally losing his virginity. “WE FUCKING DID IT,” he cried. Ripping off his button-down to reveal a Black Lives Matter t-shirt, Cathy and the entire board room began dancing with the skills of decapitated poultry to ear-splitting Christian rock music.

Chick-Fil-A has been a company long acquainted with controversy involving the LGBTQ community. However, the…

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We Are the Virus: Burke Museum Mammoth Comes Back to Life, Takes Press Corps Hostage on Live Television

Off Leash Newsroom

On Wednesday morning, security personnel at the Burke Museum were surprised to find the animated bones of a Columbian mammoth wandering the grounds of the University of Washington. The mammoth, who escaped his exhibit at the museum and introduced himself to campus police officers with a sequence of haunted, elephantine trumpetings, was escorted to City Hall for a press conference.

"It's a novel situation," commented the museum's chief paleontologist Balbus Diggs, who suggested the statewide COVID quarantine's reduction in carbon emissions may have contributed to the resurrection. "We're seeing it all over the world: birds returning to cities, coyotes pissing on fire hydrants. It's really beautiful." When asked whether an interview with the mammoth’s remains might help to shed light on missing links in the evolutionary record, Diggs’s eyes rolled back in his head and he whispered, “Evolution is a hoax,” citing the book of Genesis as evidence while scuttling backward from the room.

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Quirky: These Scientists Will Help you Escape Lockdown

Off Leash News Room

Lockdown orders are lifting around the country, yet many are apprehensive. There are concerns that prematurely unleashing the nose-pickers and palm-lickers of the world will trigger a devastating second wave of political pundit debates. Fortunately, Peter Kelling and Emanuel Franco, the dreamboat computer science duo at the University of Washington, have found a way to end social distancing forever.

“The solution is simple,” explained Franco, “Why spend all of your time inside, worrying about sickness, when you could live your life as a robot? By transferring your conscious self into a state-of-the-art mechanical vessel, you can escape the pandemic and the struggle of social distancing at the same time!”

But to these studly programmers, mechanization is more than just an idea, it is a way of life. With display monitors mounted on wide chrome bodies and claw-like hands that look like they were designed to ruin your arcade birthday party by intentionally dropping that shiny new ipod, the new and improved Kelling and Franco answer the question of what Pixar’s Wall-E would look like if he were designed by Apple Inc.

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Hero Spotlight: Mr. Clean Caught On Campus in Skin-Tight Hazmat Suit

Off Leash Newsroom

We all know this whole “stay home, stay healthy” thing has been harder for some than others. While many of us are using our last ounces of willpower to not sneak out of the house to lick the sidewalk, we all have those friends who seem to be doing whatever they can to keep that curve rounder than a hot piece of ass. Doesn’t that shit just make you want to punch a hole in your parents’ drywall?

Don’t worry, dawgs. You’re not alone. The UW community is now under the protection of the hero we never knew actually existed: Mr. Clean. Armed with a bleach bucket and a half-empty bottle of Everclear with his own face on it, Mr. Clean has taken it upon himself, a self-proclaimed anarchist, to single handedly stop COVID-19.

Cindy Summer, ‘22, was leaving her dorm on Monday night to pick up her takeout, when a booming voice stopped her from across the quad: “Cindy, where the FUCK is your mask?” Summer was terrified: “He started clumsily running towards me in a sparkling blue hazmat suit with “SUPER CLEAN” handwritten across the front. I almost had a fucking heart attack. Like, how does this weird off-brand Superman know my name and why is he slurring his words?”

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Newest Off Leash Magazine Available Now!

We saw your shitty memes. Your subtweets. Your endless stream of mindless political content. We’ve all been desperately attempting to take the edge off this horrifying world crisis. Little did you know, young one, is that what you’ve needed all along is for your favorite local fake news source to take your mundane existence and turn it into a joke!

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LEAKED! Exclusive Excerpt from Soon-to-be-Released Satire Publication

Off Leash News Room

In a time when college students are so confused and saddened that they can barely summon up the strength to make memes (yeah, things are pretty bad), comedy is more necessary than ever. Fortunately, we have it on good authority that there will soon be a digital release of a COMPLETELY FREE and VERY HIGH-QUALITY quarantine-themed satire magazine. It seems…

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“Join a FIG to Make Friends”, Says Lonely, Friendless Undergraduate Advisor

Off Leash News Room

This week, Off Leash News sent a reporter to speak with undergraduate advisor Zachary Morrison about the importance of community building for new students. Contorting his face into a pained smile, Morrison explained the importance of joining a FIG. “I would say that all freshman should join a FIG in their first quarter. It helps you meet so many new people, and it’s a great opportunity to make this university feel just a bit smaller.” His smile immediately began to fade, the façade of plastered glee peeling off. This was the first glimpse of the broken man hiding underneath khaki shorts and a ‘Go Dawgs!’ sweatshirt.

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Seattle to Implement New Regulations on Axes

Off Leash News Room

Though there is no longer a need to cut down firewood to make it through the long northwest nights, the axe is still a staple across Puget Sound households.  Fondly remembered by local lumberjacks and murderers alike, the axe is for many the weapon of choice for forestry, self-protection, and collection in and of itself. In a shockingly bold move, Seattle lawmakers voted Sunday to reinforce and strengthen the laws concerning the registration and regulation of axes.

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UW Professor Suspended After Showing Pornography in Lecture

Off Leash News Room

This week, UW Professor Robert Grace was removed from his lecturing position after accidentally showing pornography. He was apparently viewing the material before class and failed to close his tabs as the lecture began. The pornography was displayed as the professor tried to open a separate video on racial discrimination in the US prison system. We interviewed several students to get their thoughts on the matter.

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Humanities Layoffs Cause Mayhem Among Students With Abandonment Issues

Off Leash News Room

The recent announcement that the humanities division will be laying off many major-specific advisers comes as a terrible blow to humanities students with daddy, mommy, and other assorted issues. Students and faculty members alike struggle to comprehend why the university would choose to cut advisers in a department that is widely known to be full of emotionally dependant and needy young “adults.” 

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Sneak Peak at Winter 2020’s Hottest Course: COM 263, Intro to Cancel Culture

Off Leash News Room

Happy Week 6, dawgs! 

We are officially halfway through fall quarter, so set your 5:55 AM alarms, and get ready to fight to the death to register for the classes you want. As your go-to source for campus tips and tricks, we wanted to highlight a new UW course that might be of interest to you. 

Buckle up folks, because the College of Arts and Sciences finally got enough funding to introduce a course you might like: COM 263, Introduction to Cancel Culture.

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First They Came for Sanskrit: UW Cuts All Language Departments Except For Java

In the wake of the news that the small but mighty Sanskrit department at UW is facing termination, UW administration has decided to slash all foreign language offerings except for Java. Currently, the university offers 45 different foreign languages, from popular choices like French and Spanish to the eccentric Uyghur and Latvian, but following this change, it would offer only one.

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