UW to Open 'Spirit Halloween' at Former Site of Parnassus Café

October 06, 2023 by Lucy I.

Yesterday, a mass of over a thousand students gathered in Red Square and marched across campus in protest of the University of Washington’s recent decision to open a Spirit Halloween store in the basement of the Art Building. This controversial venture has started production less than a year after the University closed down its very own Parnassus Café, which had been universally loved by students for over 70 years, and, until recently, had also been the oldest standing coffee shop in Seattle.

UW Assures Fans that Move to Big 10 is “All About Money”

October 03, 2023 by Theo L.

The news dropped in August that the University of Washington will be joining the Big 10 athletic conference starting in the Fall of 2024. Washington’s move comes two years after USC and UCLA decided to bail on the Pac-12 and join the Big 10. Erin O’Connell, UW’s interim Athletic Director, made it very clear what motivated the move in the first place.

Breaking: Pepsi is.... Your New Owner?

September 29, 2023 by Julia D.

Your eyes flutter open, wandering around the room and landing on the sunbeam warming your deep purple comforter. Sighing, you look at the ceiling. It’s another day of your roommate, who is also your mom, smoking crack and cigarettes while she yells at you. One thing brings you comfort though. Your poster of Pepsi’s CEO, Ramon Laguarta, hanging right above your HFS emergency exit route sign on the door, gives you a feeling of hope.

Dear Graduating Seniors, Never Enter the Real World

May 31, 2023 by K.E.

I owe so many people money. Someday Sallie Mae is gonna kick in those kneecaps and I’ll need to start frying up my own liver as compensation. But for now, I’m not fucking graduating. I’m 26 and I technically don’t need to start scrounging for coin until I graduate. I’m going to be finishing my communications degree until the day I die. But if you don’t have the good sense to just fail public speaking, here are some ideas for how to not be in crippling debt and homeless for the rest of your life.

Opinion: Queen Charlotte Review - Too Many Pomeranians

May 16, 2023 by Julia D.

Dear Shonda Rhimes,

I like many things. I like warm days, chocolate croissants, and when cats know how to open doors. I like laughing, giggling, womanhood, and doing nothing at all. What I don’t like, however, is Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story.

U-Village Umbrella Takes Flat Stanley-esque Journey Across America

May 09, 2023 by C.C.

Although it is legally springtime, it is raining. At a time like this, it sure would be nice to whip out an umbrella, but everyone knows how uncool that is. And everyone also knows there is only one thing that can offset that uncoolness: petty theft. But wherever shall you go? The answer lies in the most swagless place in all of the U-District: University Village.

Dear Off Leash, I'm Having an Identity Crisis

April 27, 2023 by Blake J.

Dear Off Leash,

I know spring is supposed to be a happy time, a reward for dealing with the months of people trying to be funny with seasonal depression jokes, but I’m dealing with a full-blown identity crisis. The start of spring means the approaching end of the school year, and, as a third year, I now realize a cold new reality: I’ll be both a senior and a senior by credits.

Turkey Erects “No Girls Allowed” Sign, Decimating YPJ

April 25, 2023 by B.R.

A terrible blow has been struck to the Women’s Protection Units (YPJ), the all-female wing of the People’s Protection Units (YPG), which is the armed wing of the Kurdish Democratic Union Party (PYD)– not to be confused with the Free Women’s Units (YJA), the all-female wing of the People’s Defense Forces (HPG), which is the armed wing of the Kurdistan Workers’ Party (PKK)– well, anyway, a terrible blow has been struck.

Greg Abbott: In Memoriam

April 20, 2023 by B.R.

This week, Texas Governor Greg Abbott sealed up every orifice in his body and died after being told having holes makes him a girl. Colleagues watched him flop on the ground for several minutes, his eyes, ears, nose, mouth, anus, and urethra blocked with concrete sealant before he finally proved his point.

Students Celebrate Start of Spring, Mourn End of Complaining about Seasonal Depression

April 13, 2023 by C.B.

The blossoming of cherry trees, blue skies, and the return of skateboarders to Red Square after their hibernation can mean only one thing: spring is here. But the coming of spring marks not only the end of winter, but the end of a key aspect of many students’ personalities: seasonal depression.

Isn't Spring Just a Giant Collective Orgasm for Plants?

April 11, 2023 by Theo L.

There’s an obvious and hilarious fact that we’ve all been ignoring about spring. Every year, as far back as I can remember, trees bloom around the same time, bringing with them beauty and warmth as well as a living hell for people with mild to severe allergies. As we’re all too aware, humans will go to great lengths to see spring in action, whether it’s a cherry blossom, or another cherry blossom, or even a third cherry blossom.

Opinion: You Care About Babies? Learn to Play Peek-a-Boo

April 06, 2023 by B.R.

As a baby, which I am, I have long had considerable interest in the mechanics of “peek-a-boo.” Initially, I thought, “How could this be? The lady is gone, but then she reappears?”

Your Guide to Surviving Cherry Blossom Season

April 04, 2023 by Julia D.

When they bloom, UW’s cherry blossom trees possess an almost unworldly beauty, rivaled only by the likes of Cleopatra and Iggy Azalea. However, like Cleopatra and Iggy Azalea, the cherry blossom trees can be dangerous.

A Message From Last Year's President: The New Guys Didn’t Change The Password

April 01, 2023 by L.E.

On June 11th, 2022, I graduated from the University of Washington, and from my role as President of Off Leash News. The position was inherited by members of the publication that I knew would love and respect the role and its responsibilities. They were smart, funny, and kind. Things were in safe hands.

U District Announces Plan to Ban House Shows

March 28, 2023 by Julia D.

House shows have been an integral part of the U District for a long time, I think. Every weekend, multiple venues host small local bands so that UW students can use music as an excuse to get piss drunk enough to not think about the years they’ll need to spend in this godforsaken institution. These gatherings also invite a culture of “fashion” and “rejection of mainstream society,” but individuals who subscribe to these alternative ideals seem to spend most of their time shitting on other people doing the same thing as them. Regardless, the administration has decided it has had enough.

Off Leash's Spring Break Guide

March 18, 2023 by Julia D.

Are you going to a beach this spring break? Somewhere warm? Like San Diego or Cabo? What are you, some kind of bitch? Yeah, that’s what I thought. At Off Leash, we aren’t bitches. We smoke cigarettes and eat rocks for breakfast.

New Frog and Toad Series to Include Graphic Sex Scenes from Original Novels

March 09, 2023 by B.R.

Parents are already raising concerns about the amount of gratuitous nudity in the new Frog and Toad series set to premier on Apple TV. A recent statement on Twitter by Nat Faxon, the voice of Frog, asserted that “They’re animals. They’re not supposed to wear clothes.”

UW to Offer One Class for Spring 2023

March 07, 2023 by Julia D.

As Spring approaches, many students begin to dream of graduating, soaking up some sun, and no longer wanting to eat glass. After all, it is the season of renewal. But fantasies of escaping this well financially, but poor penisly, endowed institution may soon be squashed for the class of Spring 2023.

UW Violates Supplier Code of Conduct, Students Propose Cock and Ball Torture

February 28, 2023 by B.R.

For years, student protests against UW’s ties with exploitative companies have fallen on deaf ears. Student campaigns failed to stop UW spending millions on prison-made dorm furniture, allying with war profiteer Boeing, and currently, from improving atrocious Local Point working conditions.

UWPD Fails to Identify Naked Stabber

February 22, 2023 by Theo L.

A recent stabbing in the U-District is proving difficult to solve as police try to track down the suspect. The stabbing occurred late last Thursday night on some irrelevant numbered street, where the victim was hit right below the ribs and is now recovering poorly in the hospital.