CS Frat Boy Makes Bid to Buy Off Leash News

April 18, 2022 by L.H

In a fervent fever dream we here at Off Leash cannot seem to stop, we have been acquired by Q Zert Apple Zerstock Templeton the 3rd, self-proclaimed entrepreneur / guy on campus saying “the Civil War was about states’ rights”. Q Zert - after buying the deeds to each of our writers’ parents’ houses, our club president's vocal cords (which he plans to keep in a seashell until further notice), and the legal right to name my first born son - is now the largest shareholder in our paper's history.

Drumheller Geese Successfully Unionize

April 11, 2022 by J.S

Big news for the animal labor movement recently came to UW’s campus—the Drumheller geese succeeded in their push for unionization, securing campus-wide shitting rights and $15/hr. Unfazed by questions such as “do they even do work?” and “what the actual f#@k is going on?” the victorious geese held a press conference this Thursday…

HFS States "Not Everyone Deserves Utilities" With Controversial New Program

April 08, 2022 by Blake J.

On Thursday morning, UW Housing and Food Services announced its intention to introduce a new competitive system for providing utilities to on-campus housing. The proposed utility system was developed to address students’ environmental concerns on campus. Students who decide to live with HFS will be required to apply to the capacity constrained utility program.

Students no Longer Allowed Near Cherry Blossoms After Repeated Complaints From Wedding Photographers

April 06, 2022 by J.B.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock or in Hansee Hall, the last two weeks have been busy ones on campus with the cherry blossoms in full bloom. If you were able to fight your way through the mob of tourists, people with glazed-over eyes staring blankly ahead and children that are specifically three years old…

University Lifts Mask Mandate for White Men

April 04, 2022 by Theo L.

The University of Washington has lifted its indoor mask mandate for spring quarter, but for “white guys only.” The university wants to gather data about the spread of Covid without masks, and decided to do so with a smaller group. This is why the majority of people not wearing masks around campus are white guys.

UW Revoked Our RSO License - Moving Forward

April 01, 2022 by Off Leash News

Off Leash News has been a driving force in campus journalism for decades.

As students of the University of Washington it is your duty, nay your honor, to have the privilege of reading our publication.

The UW has told us they are unplugging our computer and since it is our only computer we will be unable to continue making this publication.

Important Things UW Students Should Expect During Spring Break

March 14, 2022 by Theo L.

We’re at the end of another very successful quarter here at the University of Washington. All of us here at Off Leash News want to thank our most loyal readers and offer some spring break tips before we embark on our adventures.

Odegaard Library Gloryhole Collapses in on Itself, Creating Endless Void

March 08, 2022 by J.D.T.

A report released yesterday by UW Police has announced that an accident at the Odegaard undergraduate gloryhole has injured a student and created a rift in space and time that has replaced what used to be a staple of hookup culture on campus with a cosmic disturbance that may pose a threat to your safety if you get too close.

Center Table Declares Moldy Fruit a "Delicacy"

March 02, 2022 by K.E.

The odds of you having ever been crazy enough to try the fruits at HFS is not high. But if you have tried the “blackberries” at places like Center Table, you may have noticed that they don’t resemble berries so much as endangered fuzzy caterpillars from the Amazon.

Middle School Bully Big Fan of Ukraine Invasion

February 25, 2022 by L.E.

Local middle school bully Ivan Flynn has become the first person in the United States to publicly side with Russia in their invasion of Ukraine: “He wants it, so he’s taking it. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?”

SEFS and Foster to Host Virtual “Touching Grass” Event

February 24, 2022 by L.H

In an effort to aid student health and well-being, the School of Environmental and Forest Sciences announced the first annual “Touching Grass” event in collaboration with the Foster School of Business. Non Refundable tickets are available online for $50 and the event will be held virtually.

Is your Chemistry TA Gaslighting You? Drink that Mystery Liquid

February 21, 2022 by Blake J.

We are all tired of this technocratic dictatorship that has loomed over us our entire lives. There’s always an “expert” on TV or on the news telling us what we can and cannot do; what is “legal” and “illegal.” These disgusting little “scientists” have perverted and soiled safe and healthy activities for no good reason other than to control us.

Opinion: Red Square Art Makes Me Insecure About My Manhood

February 17, 2022 by J.N.

It happens every time. I’m walking to classes, minding my own business when over the horizon I see it. Fully erect, cut at the tip and usually dripping wet from the early morning mist, it is there. The obelisk.

President Ana Mari Cauce Changes Title to Principal Cauce

February 14, 2022 by C.C.

In an attempt to increase her relatability and goodwill with students, President Ana Mari Cauce has announced her decision to permanently change her title from president to principal. She has already started implementing measures to match her new image such as daily morning announcements and wearing super loose skinny jeans.

UW Freshman Buys Way Too Many Condoms

February 09, 2022 by Theo L.

UW freshman, Noah Johnson, felt deep regret after buying a box of thirty-six condoms at the beginning of the year, thinking he would be having a lot more sex than he currently is. Johnson bought the condoms at the University District Target in late September…

UW Apologizes For Charging Full Tuition During Remote Learning

February 07, 2022 by J.L.

As UW continues the gradual reopening of campus they have sent out various emails to update the student body. One such email came from the office of the registrar, informing students that since class will be in-person for the foreseeable future, they will begin charging full tuition again.

UW Introduces Competitive Mental Health

February 01, 2022 by C.C.

The university’s health center, notorious for great advice like “go ask your other doctor” and “fix your chapped lips by licking them” has come up with yet another sensational idea to combat declining student mental health: group therapy.

Out And Proud: Local Student Gay, According To Us

January 24, 2022 by L.E.

Local student Vin Myers has been confirmed as homosexual after hugging his friend for 3.8 seconds, 0.4 seconds past the legal limit for straight men. While Off Leash analysts initially thought Myers could have been operating under special circumstances allowing him to extend the length of the hug (return from military duty, BAC over 0.25), we found no evidence for this. The only conclusion? Vin Myers is a flaming homosexual and wants the world to know it.

UW Frat President Going for Record 5th COVID Infection

January 19, 2022 by Theo L.

The President of the Delta Gamma Kappa Purity Fraternity may have another accomplishment to add to his resume before graduating. Conner Cole, a UW senior, never thought he would be making history this quarter.. However, after testing positive for Covid at the end of Fall quarter, Cole has a chance to set the world COVID infection record with an unprecedented fifth positive test result.

New Ana Mari Cauce Email Regarding Omicron: "This Feels a Little Familiar, Doesn't It?"

January 12, 2022 by J.B.

Dear UW Community,

It’s back. Mmm, that sinking feeling in your stomach, not knowing when the next time is that you’re going to leave the house. Yeah, I bet you like it, you’re gonna go back to being a disgusting little gremlin that never exercises and eats like a child of divorce whose parents aren’t around. You told your psychiatrist to lower the dosage on your meds? GO BACK. DOUBLE THEM. God, you'd better, you sickening, sickening person.