Seattle Redistricting Commission Announces New Land Acknowledgement Amid Controversy

November 08, 2022 by J.L.

After the Seattle Redistricting Commission’s controversial plan to split the U-District from UW was rejected, the commission responded in a last ditch effort to regain the support of citizens.

When initially proposed, the commission had received numerous complaints about the plan and had been accused of gerrymandering. The commission has since backpedaled and announced that they “aim to manipulate the districts in the most inclusive way possible.” The official statement was issued this weekend, via an email titled “Gerrymander!? I hardly know her”

UW to Unveil New Majors for Rich Students

November 03, 2022 by Julia D.

It’s true: UW is indeed unveiling two new majors. After reports students were fatigued and struggling with “analyzing texts” or “doing basic fucking math,” administration decided to take action. Designed for students with rich parents and a job lined up after graduation, the Numbers and Alphabet majors will be available in the College of Arts & Sciences beginning Autumn 2023.

Breaking: Nonviolent Crime on the Ave

November 01, 2022 by J.L.

This past weekend, the UW community was shaken after a recent crime on the Ave: Josh Kline, a student at UW, was caught shoplifting at Target. This disgusting crime caught the attention of the larger community and several local papers, being the only instance of nonviolent crime in the U-District in the past year.

Boarded-Off Storage Closet in Padelford Hall Bearing the Seven Seals of the Apocalypse to be Opened This Winter Solstice

October 27, 2022 by L.P.T.

This past Tuesday, a graduate student working in the early hours of the morning discovered an old, boarded-off storage closet deep within the eldritch location known to us mortals as Padelford Hall.

UW Administration Facing Backlash after Announcing they will Burn All the Books

October 25, 2022 by D.M.

The University of Washington Administration is facing backlash after they announced they would be burning all the books on the school campus in suspected retaliation for the librarian strike.

Smoking Cigarettes Improves Air Quality

October 21, 2022 by L.H

New data from the University of Washington this week suggests that the smoke currently enveloping Seattle is actually not related to the climate crisis at all. Instead, the data suggests, the decrease in air quality is because Roy Mullivan decided to quit smoking.

Breaking News: Your Classmate is from the Bay Area

October 20, 2022 by Julia D.

Everyone has been there. It’s the first day of class, and you’re tasked with doing ice breakers with the people sitting near you. You go through your names, pronouns, and majors before the fatal question is asked: Where are you from?

Company Seeks to Take the “Health” and “Care” out of “Mental Health Care” on Campus

October 18, 2022 by C.B.

Leda Health made headlines earlier this year by selling its controversially named “MeToo” sexual assault test kits to sororities. Critics argued that in selling the test kits, which are not admissible in court, the company took advantage of victims. Following the public outrage and threats of legal action, Leda Health knew that it had only one option: to do the exact same thing to a different group of people.

University Considers Taking Down Statue After George Washington Sex Tape Leaked

October 13, 2022 by Theo L.

The University of Washington is seriously considering taking down its George Washington statue after a vintage sex tape was leaked starring the former President and his 18 year old Tinder date. The tape shocked the millions who have already seen it and although it is far from the sexiest presidential scandal, this one hits UW closest to home.

Top Five Crazy Predictions and Revelations the U-District Light Rail Windows Can Tell You Right Now

October 11, 2022 by Blake J.

The U-District Light Rail Station opened last year, helping improve and expand upon Seattle’s vital public transit system. But the most important feature of the newest light rail station are the ZANY LED WINDOWS that are plastered all over the station for some reason. We decided to compile a list to tell YOU what windows you should be looking at to get the most out of waiting for the next overcrowded train!

Dog Spotted in Quad Almost Dubs, Not Quite

October 06, 2022 by C.C.

Last Thursday, a crowd formed around an animal in the Quad that bore a striking resemblance to the school mascot, Dubs. For a brief moment, students were overjoyed, before realizing that it was actually a different husky entirely.

HFS to Hand Deliver Bitch Slaps to all Residents

October 04, 2022 by J.L.

Housing and Food Services recently announced that their employees will personally be slapping each and every student that resides on-campus or frequents the dining halls. When we approached the president of HFS, Sal Menila, they repeatedly assured us that “[their] employees work tirelessly until every one of those smug bastards got a good slap.”

All UW Graduates “Incredibly Prepared And Not At All Terrified” For The Next Part Of Their Lives

June 11, 2022 by L.E.

As students donned their caps and gowns and entered Husky Stadium to finally conclude their academic journey, a certain smell permeated the air. No, not lake water. Confidence.

Firefighters Use Hose Despite Rain Being Right There

June 01, 2022 by Theo L.

Several fires have broken out near campus since the start of the Spring quarter. Most were small and unremarkable other than one last week that started on the Ave in the midst of a rainstorm. As an investigative journalist, something about this fire seemed off to me from the get-go.

Top Part of Broken Obelisk Floats into Sky, Makes Horrible Screaming Noise

May 24, 2022 by S.H.

As everyone is aware by now, the top part of the Broken Obelisk (now identified as the malevolent ghost of a student not admitted into their major) has been floating above Red Square for about a week now. It has begun screaming as of Tuesday morning.

HFS Proposes Alternative to Campus Housing: Live With Aunt Meredith

May 18, 2022 by C.C.

After frustration and capacity concerns with on-campus housing, HFS has developed an innovative solution to accommodating students: live in someone’s aunt’s house. This approach was created after an HFS staff member overstayed his welcome on a Hinge date and thought it wasn’t half bad.

Supreme Court States, “You Can’t Just Take Things Away From Us.”

May 04, 2022 by L.E.

This past Monday, a draft opinion was leaked from the Supreme Court that proposed to overturn Roe v. Wade, and with it abortion rights. Justices were furious at the leak, and could not understand why this action was taken.

“My body of work, my choice,” said Justice Amy Coney Barrett. “I should be allowed to decide whether I want to allow my document, which by the way is nowhere close to fully developed, into this world.”

Elon Musk Buys Uber, Will Relax Drunk Driving Policy

April 28, 2022 by J.S

Elon Musk just doesn’t know when to stop. Fresh off his decision to buy Twitter, which was made after he overheard a Tesla employee asking: “Geez, how could twitter get any worse?” Musk has decided to buy the Twitter of automobiles: Uber.

UW Faculty Ignores Students’ Protests to Remove Giant Cthulhu Monster Eating Campus

April 25, 2022 by J.N.

“Please, for the love of god save me,” screamed political science major Connor Hoffman before having his entrails slurped by the Lovecraftian prophesied “Cthulhu” this past week. For those out of the loop, this month, students across campus have held protests, pleading with UW administration to remove the ancient being. Ana Marie Cauce issued this statement amid the growing concern from the student body:

UW Students Now Eligible To Pay For Tuition With Box Tops

April 21, 2022 by Blake J.

This past Wednesday, the University of Washington announced that it would be accepting Box Tops in place of tuition for the upcoming school year. Off Leash reached out to a school representative to inquire why the university made such a bold decision. “The pandemic has put a financial burden on all of us, including the University of Washington,” stated UW’s representative Genny Mills, “We have decided to invoke the Box Top program to help make ends meet around here.”