This past Tuesday, a graduate student working in the early hours of the morning discovered an old, boarded-off storage closet deep within the eldritch location known to us mortals as Padelford Hall. After a joint investigation conducted by staff of the history and classics departments, it was concluded that the wax seals which kept the blood-stained stone door from violently opening a gateway to Hell were in fact the Seven Seals of the Apocalypse, as foretold by the fundamentalist Christian groups in Red Square.

In light of the decision made by the Board of Regents to usher in the upcoming Apocalypse this Dec. 21, President Cauce issued a statement welcoming the end of all reality as we know and cherish, saying that “the arrival of demonic forces beyond our comprehension will be a welcome addition to campus culture,” as well as confirming that classes will resume in January, “even if society has reverted back into its hunter-gatherer stages.”

Eager to learn more about what the UW student body thinks of the upcoming worldwide destruction this winter, we decided to first interview the graduate student who made this exciting discovery. From their padded room on the top floor of Haggett Hall, the student, who shall remain anonymous, was quoted as saying “...the eyes, the eyes are everywhere,” before shouting curses at us in what appeared to be Biblical Hebrew. Our interview was unfortunately cut short by the student suddenly bursting into flames before our very eyes. Another student, sophomore Jeremy Dei, was quoted as saying “at least Haggett’ll have heating this winter. Hopefully.” 

As the staff and student body prepare for the end-of-days this winter, many students also express doubts about whether or not their degrees will mean anything once Jesus’ Heavenly Kingdom has been established here on Earth. Rest assured that we here at Off Leash News will be sure to hire any survivors able to read, write, and count to 10.

Until then, happy prepping!