“Join a FIG to Make Friends”, Says Lonely, Friendless Undergraduate Advisor

March 05, 2020 by J.N.

This week, Off Leash News sent a reporter to speak with undergraduate advisor Zachary Morrison about the importance of community building for new students. Contorting his face into a pained smile, Morrison explained the importance of joining a FIG. “I would say that all freshman should join a FIG in their first quarter. It helps you meet so many new people, and it’s a great opportunity to make this university feel just a bit smaller.” His smile immediately began to fade, the façade of plastered glee peeling off. This was the first glimpse of the broken man hiding underneath khaki shorts and a ‘Go Dawgs!’ sweatshirt.

Seattle to Implement New Regulations on Axes

Off Leash News Room

January 25, 2020 by V.M.

Though there is no longer a need to cut down firewood to make it through the long northwest nights, the axe is still a staple across Puget Sound households. Fondly remembered by local lumberjacks and murderers alike, the axe is for many the weapon of choice for forestry, self-protection, and collection in and of itself. In a shockingly bold move, Seattle lawmakers voted Sunday to reinforce and strengthen the laws concerning the registration and regulation of axes.

UW Professor Suspended After Showing Pornography in Lecture

Off Leash News Room

January 23, 2020 by L.E.

This week, UW Professor Robert Grace was removed from his lecturing position after accidentally showing pornography. He was apparently viewing the material before class and failed to close his tabs as the lecture began. The pornography was displayed as the professor tried to open a separate video on racial discrimination in the US prison system. We interviewed several students to get their thoughts on the matter.

Humanities Layoffs Cause Mayhem Among Students With Abandonment Issues

Off Leash News Room

January 15, 2020 by M.J.

The recent announcement that the humanities division will be laying off many major-specific advisers comes as a terrible blow to humanities students with daddy, mommy, and other assorted issues. Students and faculty members alike struggle to comprehend why the university would choose to cut advisers in a department that is widely known to be full of emotionally dependant and needy young “adults.”

Sneak Peak at Winter 2020’s Hottest Course: COM 263, Intro to Cancel Culture

Off Leash News Room

November 04, 2019 by J.C.

Happy Week 6, dawgs!

We are officially halfway through fall quarter, so set your 5:55 AM alarms, and get ready to fight to the death to register for the classes you want. As your go-to source for campus tips and tricks, we wanted to highlight a new UW course that might be of interest to you.

Buckle up folks, because the College of Arts and Sciences finally got enough funding to introduce a course you might like: COM 263, Introduction to Cancel Culture.

New Study Justifies UW Animal Testing: Monkeys Were Bad Monkeys

October 01, 2019 by C.Y.

New revelations surrounding the University of Washington’s animal testing have revealed groundbreaking justifications surrounding its animal testing trials. The study found that despite violating basic ethics by testing and torturing animals, the UW’s monkeys were some really bad monkeys.

First They Came for Sanskrit: UW Cuts All Language Departments Except For Java

June 03, 2019 by E.S.

In the wake of the news that the small but mighty Sanskrit department at UW is facing termination, UW administration has decided to slash all foreign language offerings except for Java. Currently, the university offers 45 different foreign languages, from popular choices like French and Spanish to the eccentric Uyghur and Latvian, but following this change, it would offer only one.

Off Leash’s ASUW Endorsements

May 09, 2019 by Off Leash News

Here it is: the long-awaited, much-anticipated Off Leash who’s-who endorsement list for these upcoming ASUW elections (that take place from the 9th through 12th of this month). We weren’t planning on voting either, but after extensive research we have decided to compile this list of the most apt and capable candidates to represent students just like you. For any first-time-voters, head over to http://vote.asuw.org and cast your vote.

UW College Republicans to Launch Campaign Reclaiming the W-Word

May 03, 2019 by S.M.

Off Leash News was given the amazing opportunity to sit down with Dodge Sullivan, the president of the UW College Republicans, to discuss the inspiration behind the launch of their brand new campaign “Caucasian Liberation.” The campaign is centered around the reclamation of the W-word.

Construction Workers Beg Students to Stop Shameless Catcalling

April 28, 2019 by M.J.

If you’ve strolled through the quad or walked by the North Campus dorms this quarter, you may have noticed the many construction workers that are helping to make our university more structurally sound. And yeah, let’s face it: they’re fine as hell. Who could possibly ignore their big, work-roughened hands, or the way that those sexy neon vests hug their curves?

Self Care FTW: UW Adopts First Ever Quad Baby

April 16, 2019 by S.M.

In an attempt to promote self-care, the University of Washington administration announced last Tuesday that it will be introducing the newest addition to the UW Health and Wellness team: Kyle the Quad Baby, endearingly referred to as the “Quaby.” Yup, you heard it right here folks, some universities have dog petting to help their students relieve stress, but as stated by Tonya Carson, a therapist with the UW Counseling Center, “that’s some little league shit.”

New Study Confirms Doug is as Special as His Mom Always Said

April 14, 2019 by G.T.

Friends, professors, and ex-girlfriends were surprised by the results of a recent study on student Doug Thompson, but his mother was not.

Last week, UW researchers released data that corroborated Mrs. Thompson’s long-held belief that Doug is “very special” (Wang, et al. xxi). The data shows that Doug “can do anything he sets his mind to” and that over the years, “Doug has really grown into a very handsome young man” (Wang, et al. 13).

“I’m not surprised by the results of the study at all,” Doug’s mom said. “I’ve always said that he’s very talented and has a lot of potential.”

Admissions Scandal: Dub Street Employees Not Qualified to Get Your Kid into UW

April 11, 2019 by T.H.

Housing and Food Services employees across campus have been reporting an increase in the number of people asking them non food-related questions.

Patrick Howell, student food worker at DUB Street Burgers, located in the HUB, says it’s becoming increasingly more common for visiting parents on campus tours to ask for tips on their child’s admissions process.

“Oh yeah, parents come in all the time looking for advice. I try telling them, ‘you know, I just sell the chicken strips,’ but that really never works,” Patrick explained during his 5-minute break. He added, “Eventually, I just had to make up my own spiel. I’ll say things like, ‘look it's all about a holistic application.’ I’ve even made my own business card”.

Report: Singer in Band at House Show Also in Your Quiz Section

April 05, 2019 by D.H.

Amidst a night of mindless headbanging along to shitty live music, smoking on various deteriorating stairwells, and chillin’ by the keg, sources confirmed late Friday that “yes, in fact, that singer in that band at the house show is also in your quiz section.”

Claims that the singer gracing the dirt-covered, makeshift stage of a local U-District backyard was in fact Jack from your Chem 152 quiz section were originally met with skepticism, and later quite a bit of doubt after everything went blurry in the immediate moments following a fat moke. Upon further squinting, however, it was reported that it indeed had to be him.

New Wallingford Study Abroad Program Receiving Record Applicants

February 24, 2019 by E.C.

Wallingford, Seattle, known for its pricey single family homes and Oprah’s favorite fried chicken establishment, has been added to the CHID study abroad catalogue. Tired of Rome and Sydney, students are ready to explore countries untouched by European influence and give their feet a break from cigarette-littered cobblestones. In addition, transportation to this North Seattle destination will be free with U PASS, making the program significantly cheaper than traveling to Europe, Asia, or South America.

The American Dream: Student Nets $57 Selling Dawg Pack Tickets Purchased With Parents’ Money

February 17, 2019 by E.S.

Bill Gates’ title as the richest PNW resident was challenged late Thursday night as Keaton Grasswood, a junior at the University of Washington, raked in another $4 deposit to his Venmo account. Grasswood, who has spent his fall and winter quarters flipping Dawg Pack student section tickets, has captured stunning returns of $57 for the season.

Construction on Population Health Building Will Not be Complete Before End of All Human Life

February 07, 2019 by M.B.

Due to continual budget delays and design disputes, the University of Washington’s Population Health Building, which is currently under construction, is not scheduled to be complete before every human life is extinguished from the earth.

The Population Health Building was once envisioned as a center where community members could access healthcare in the very same facility where world-renowned University of Washington faculty would conduct research into the medical innovations of tomorrow.

Where does UW's Generous Endowment Go? Chairs, It Seems

January 16, 2019 by V.Y.

Students who were left frustrated after learning about the allotment of university money to athletics, computer science, the remodeling of Ana Mari Cauce’s rustic (yet contemporary) ski villa, continued to be devastated when they learned what else their money was being spent on.

“After that whole you-guys-should-pay-for-your-TA’s-physical-and-mental-wellbeings thing blew over we figured that the funds we saved there were best spent on our students,” UW President Ana Mari Cauce said. “So far, we have been hard at work finding just the right way to show our students that we care, and by students, I mean business students.”

Aspiring Photographer Impresses Female Students with Unsolicited “Phallic Photography”

January 10, 2019 by G.T.

Since he was a child, junior Justin Schwartz dreamed of becoming an artist. When he arrived at the University of Washington, he had no doubt that he wanted to study painting and drawing, but this hope was derailed when he received a 0.8 in Art 190.

“It’s crazy because it’s very common to draw nude models in art class,” Schwartz said, “but apparently it was somehow wrong that I chose to use my own manhood as a model for every assignment.”

Foster School Of Business to Add Multi-level Marketing Class

November 12, 2018 by J.B.

Due to college students increasingly dropping out to join the industry, Foster School of Business has finally decided to update their course catalogue and offer for the first time a Multi-Level Marketing class this upcoming Winter.

Tucker, a Foster student interested in pursuing alternative business lamented his frustrations with the current lack of multi-level marketing curriculum.

“Well, I just think it’s kinda bullshit, because my parents are paying all this money for me to go to college and I wanna learn something actually worth learning, you know.” After taking a long rip of his Suorin, Tucker continued: “Like my brother, Hunter, he’s killing it. He sells this shit called Herbalife. Dropped out of college AND making six figures. And by that I mean he WILL BE after he gets seven more people to join. God, what a fucking man. Oh, by the way have you heard of Herbalife before? Because it’s actually pretty dope and my brother told me to tell people about it.”