Foster School Of Business to Add Multi-level Marketing Class

November 12, 2018 by J.B.

Due to college students increasingly dropping out to join the industry, Foster School of Business has finally decided to update their course catalogue and offer for the first time a Multi-Level Marketing class this upcoming Winter.

Tucker, a Foster student interested in pursuing alternative business lamented his frustrations with the current lack of multi-level marketing curriculum.

“Well, I just think it’s kinda bullshit, because my parents are paying all this money for me to go to college and I wanna learn something actually worth learning, you know.” After taking a long rip of his Suorin, Tucker continued: “Like my brother, Hunter, he’s killing it. He sells this shit called Herbalife. Dropped out of college AND making six figures. And by that I mean he WILL BE after he gets seven more people to join. God, what a fucking man. Oh, by the way have you heard of Herbalife before? Because it’s actually pretty dope and my brother told me to tell people about it.”

President Cauce Proposes Improvement to Capacity-Constrained Major System: Husky Purge

October 26, 2018 by G.T.

News broke this September that the Class of 2022 is the largest ever to enter the UW, prompting criticism from returning students who feared it would become even more difficult to get into competitive majors.

In response to student concerns, President Ana Marie Cauce held a press conference in which she outlined her proposed solution for improving the capacity-constrained major system.

“I fully understand why students feel frustrated and it’s clear that going forward, we need to decrease the size of our student body,” Cauce said. “That’s why I plan to work with the Board of Regents and ASUW to instigate an annual Husky Purge.”

Drawing inspiration by the 2013 movie The Purge and its sequels, the plan calls for one night a year where both laws and university policy would go unenforced on campus.

Student BDSM Enthusiasts Offended by “Be Boundless” Slogan

October 11, 2018 by M.B.

Earlier today, members of the campus RSO HBDSMS (Husky Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism Society), attended a hearing during which they petitioned for President Ana Marie Cauce to consider changing the university’s widespread “Be Boundless” branding.

“It’s blatantly insensitive,” a student in HBDSMS told Off Leash. “Be boundless? No way! We really enjoy being bound actually. It’s super hot.”

Do NOT Miss These: Hot Places To Be Seen In Seattle THIS Fall Quarter

October 08, 2018 by V.Y.

Summer may be over but fall is just beginning here in Seattle! Feeling down and unsure of what to do to avoid your real responsibilities this quarter? Desperately need something to pregame so that you’re not just getting drunk at 9 am, alone, in the rain? We’ve compiled all the hot and bumpin’ Facebook events your friends, classmates, and aunt will invite you to this quarter, so you can be in the know ahead of time. Everyone is “interested” in going, so you know they’re bound to be a good time. See you there Huskies!

Homesick Student Caresses Parents’ Names on Foster Donor Wall

May 01, 2018 by V.Y.

Tears were shed Tuesday at 9:23 a.m. when Toby Carter, a UW freshman (and Foster School of Business Direct-admit) shared a sentimental moment with his parents, prominent residents of the Bay Area. The homesick student had been feeling “pretty shitty” ever since returning from Cabo last month, and decided to seek out his parents for help. Onlookers gaped as Carter approached the wall in the Paccar lobby bearing his parents’ names and gently stroked the wall. One source reports seeing a tear run down Carter’s cheek, suggesting that he may have been crying softly behind his sunglasses.

Following the Success of Running Start Program: New “Sprinting Start” Unveiled

April 21, 2018 by D.H.

Education officials in Washington state recently announced the induction of a new high school alternative, Sprinting Start, a program that sets up UW undergraduate students to earn their Bachelor’s, Master’s, and PhD degrees in three years or less.

This is due to the credits received multiplying in quantity and specificity, maximizing (boundless) potential for what the Washington Education Department dubs the “big ole’ triple triple”.

The program will follow the course of the Running Start program, in which high school students take classes for college credit during high school. This allows the students, once on campus, to take opportunities such as enrolling in upper-division courses before their class-standing peers, as well as emphasizing that they are “technically a Freshman, but a Junior by standing. Maybe even a Senior by now.”

Director of UW Student Affairs Indicted for Affair with Student

April 17, 2018 by S.C.

The UW has moved forward with its indictment process of the director of the UW Department of student affairs. Director Richard Quincy has been formally charged by the department of Human Resources with having repeated sexual intercourse and a long-term personal relationship with an unnamed female student.

If convicted of the names charges, in violation of multiple directives forbidding any forms of faculty-student relationship, Quincy stands to be stripped of any position within the university.

While there are multiple stages left in the proceedings against Quincy, he not only publicly admitted to each charge but is adamant that his behavior reflects his positive contributions to the University and utmost dedication to the position.

University Administration Responds to Demands for Cost-Saving Measures with Half-Ply Toilet Paper

April 13, 2018 by G.T.

In response to student concerns about staggering tuition, rising housing rates, and capacity-constrained majors, the UW Board of Regents has voted to implement a cost-saving initiative for the 2018-2019 school year that will replace the single-ply toilet paper with half-ply rolls in every building on campus.

“We care deeply about affordability and opportunity for our students,” said Anna Durkan, regent in charge of bathroom-affairs. “In order to cut costs, we’ve done an extensive analysis of how we spend our money and worked to eliminate waste. When we realized how much of the budget was going to fund single-ply toilet paper, we realized we had to make a change.”

In the aftermath of the vote, reactions from students were largely positive.

Dubs Implicated in FBI NCAA Basketball Probe

March 02, 2018 by J.K.

Washington was not left untouched by the recent findings of an FBI probe into dealings within NCAA basketball recruitment. The released report included findings that former UW star and No. 1 pick in the past spring’s NBA Draft Markelle Fultz received $10,000 from the sports agency ASM and also implicated former Husky Dejounte Murray, but Off Leash has also been alerted that Dubs, the UW’s mascot, was in on the money train.

ASM reportedly gave the beloved Alaskan Malamute $3,000 worth of dog treats and luxury collars back in January 2009, right before Dubs’ decided to come to Washington. Former NBA agent Andy Miller also made substantial payments — upwards of $7,000 — to Dubs’ owners for the husky to sign with ASM.

Washington officials initially denied all knowledge of the transactions, which were made when Scott Woodward, the current athletic director at Texas A&M, was the AD on Montlake.