For years, student protests against UW’s ties with exploitative companies have fallen on deaf ears. Student campaigns failed to stop UW spending millions on prison-made dorm furniture, allying with war profiteer Boeing, and currently, from improving atrocious Local Point working conditions. As outrage increases to no avail, the ineffectiveness of public pressure is becoming clear. Only one option is left to force UW to change its ways: cock-and-ball torture.

“The idea is really quite simple,” said student advocate Missy Flutehoop. “ASUW votes on a representative, we lash him to the base of the Washington statue, and we break out the sounding rod. It’s a political tactic that’s never been tried before, and I’m interested to see how it plays out.”

Enthusiasm for the movement has been quickly growing as word spreads that ninety-seven-year-old UW administrator Zarf McGuffin has been selected for the task. “He’s on his last legs anyway,” said a colleague who wished to remain anonymous. “The fact is, UW runs on exploited labor– and we’d be getting away with it, too, if not for these meddling kids. We hope sending out Zarf will quash the movement. Nipple-clamping a naked old man to death is publicity you just don’t come back from.”

“He wouldn’t be naked,” said Flutehoop later, appalled at the accusation. “We have boundaries.”

No nipple clamps seem to have been procured. In accordance with Washington state guidelines on politically-motivated genital stimulation, the torture “shall not proceed below the taint, nor above the uppermost pube.”

UW’s ties with union busters and prison labor violate not only its own Supplier Code of Conduct, but– even more naughtily– Articles 4, 5, 20, and 23 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. In accordance with Article 69, sanctions for such transgressions may include trade bans, tariffs, and sexual domination by former German Chancellor Angela Merkel. In light of Merkel’s busy schedule, Harry the Husky has been given permission to act in her place.

In the meantime, the tactic has been effective in shutting down opposition. When the Washington statue opened its mouth to weigh in on the issue, students merely responded, “Wider.”