If everything else fails, one thing remains true: University of Washington will never be outdone by Washington State University. Not in academics, not in location, not in football unless you count those times that were fake anyways, and certainly not in sexually offending students. Therefore, when Washington State came under fire in mid-September for allowing a level three sex offender to attend classes, University of Washington administration knew it had to do something. 

“The Top Opportunity for Unreformed Criminal Hands Egregiously Roaming, or TOUCHER scholarship will provide criminal sex offenders, many of whom haven’t even completed their prison sentences, free range of our beautiful campus and community,” said head of student affairs Ned O’Phile.

The scholarship, which fully covers tuition, housing, books, and transportation, is aimed towards only the most violent offenders. To apply, all they have to do is sign a crumpled piece of notebook paper reading, “University of Washington is sooooo much better than Washington State,” and then they’ll be considered for one of 15 scholarships. 

“Guys please, I’m so scared. Guys. Please. I thought this was a joke,” said first year Titus Buttom, whose random dorm roommate ended up being a 53 year old man convicted of possessing child pornography, “They won’t let me move off campus, or even switch dorms. He tries to brush my hair when I’m asleep.”

UW’s office of student affairs vehemently maintains that the scholarship is all about one-upping our inferior rivals. Besides that, O’Phile claims it also helps to prepare the on campus students for life off campus in the surrounding University District. To calm concerns of students and parents, he volunteered a cut of his own salary to provide free rape whistles to HFS residents. Unfortunately, they ended up being SpiderMan themed blowout noise makers from Party City.

“WSU would never do that for their students. They don’t even care enough to get them good sex offenders. Our sex offenders are registered on levels previously unheard of,” said O’Phile as his leg was being humped by an unwashed 30 year old man with a pube-stache, “Do I even care about the non-offender students? Of course I care about them. But, at the same time, I think TOUCHER adds a certain sparkle to campus that we were missing before.”  

Additionally, with the recently broken news of WSU considering cutting their Cougar Safe Ride program, O’Phile is feeling the pressure more than ever to continue one-upping UW’s historic rivals. Thus, he’s frantically searching for ways to outdo this unpopular proposal by expanding the TOUCHER program.

If you have suggestions, you’re encouraged to submit them by email to tiptoucher@uw.edu. Leaders of the project won’t beat around the bush, and responses will usually take less than a minute, but only if your TOUCHER tips are just right.