After over nearly a century of brewing Second Amendment tensions, Americans have cultivated a reputation for being gun-loving freedom whores armed with military-grade assault rifles. In recent years though, something else has become clear.

Maybe it’s not really that surprising we got our asses kicked in Vietnam. Clearly none of you bitches can shoot a gun. 

In the past few months, there have been at minimum two confirmed attempts on former Home Alone 2 star Donald Trump, both of which have been entirely unsuccessful. Several shots have been fired, and yet the closest evil-tower-owner Donald Trump has gotten to death is maybe-at the most- one shot. 

It’s unlikely that the lack of presidential assassinations has any correlation to increased Secret Service capabilities, as all of their efforts have been directed towards 14-year-old radicals with two thousand Twitter followers. What happened, America?

The University of Washington is not impervious to these concerns. Our proud university is built upon the back of successful assassinations throughout history. Dubs was the one who killed Osama Bin Laden back in ‘11. There are about four history courses on the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Moving forward, the university hopes to see even more tragic events grace the cover of the Daily.

In the spirit of this sentiment, a brand-new course offered in the Information School aims to solve the problem. This course, INFO 188, lovingly titled ‘Intro to AimLab,’ is built upon the backs of a collaboration with PC gaming giant Steam. For the unaware, AimLab was released in 2023 to develop players’ first-person and third-person shooter aiming skills. A staple for any Valorant player with foul odors, this software has transformed into a push to make America good at shooting again. 

The structure of this course follows weekly trips to Denny Field, during which students will attempt to pelt paintballs at passersby on scooters. Each downed scooty (person on scooter) counts for 5 points added to their weekly quiz section grade. For the final project, students are required to assassinate one member of the ASUW successfully. A minimum of 300 hours on AimLab are required to pass the course with a 2.0. 

Headshots are encouraged. We remind all members of the university to remain cautious, and stay strapped.