Career fairs have taken the job market by storm, revolutionizing how students think about career networking. The University of Washington touts numerous patterns where these fairs can be discovered, including a unique section on the platform Handshake. On the ground, though, the situation is dire. There are far too few recruiters and too many attendees. Third-year comp science student, Michael Bayely, described his concerns over having attended so many career fairs to middling results. 

“I passed out one hundred resumes, and shook over four dozen clammy hands,” said Bayley, “But in the end, I only received one follow-up email, and it wasn’t even from Lockheed Martin. What’s the point?”

While traditional career fairs are beholden to such problems, a groundbreaking new form of recruitment has taken the UW campus by storm: the Layoff Training Fair.

Students are instructed to go in with a resume and a can-do attitude as recruiters simulate the experience of being laid off by a major company for profits. To make it in these increasingly volcanic conditions, prospective employees must adapt to have minds of cool steel and hearts of gooey flesh or whatever. Proving that you can survive the shame of being left out to dry by a man with an 8-year loss streak in his fantasy football league shows courage, something students desperately need to withstand.

This is especially important for those with no experience in the field of being fired with no benefits, who wish to buff up their resume. Fair organizers have provided sample scripts with which attendees can practice their skills. Below is a direct excerpt from one such script:

[Failure Employee: Good morning boss who is also my father, I brought your favorite coffee and also a copy of US Weekly.

Luciano: Kid, we’re not doin’ so hot nowadays. I’m gonna hafta cut back on some trifling matters, them's the breaks.

Failure Employee: What are you saying, father?

Luciano: Look, I’mma need ya to make like cheese and cut it out. Ya don’t got what it takes to make it big in the jungle. I'm a big cat and you’re like a little… marsupial… Tutti colpevoli, nessuno colpevole.

Failure Employee: I can work overtime with no pay, please sir! I have two functioning kidneys, surely we can work something out!”

Luciano takes a drag from his cigar.

Luciano: Beat it, toots.]

These scripts hold gut-punching emotional impacts which are perfect for any students looking to improve their skills rapidly. There’s something for all skill levels, however, as they have been rigorously quality-tested against real-life layoffs experienced every day. 

Readers who want to view other published scripts as practice for the fair itself are encouraged to follow the exercises until brought to tears. Real, hard labor can draw out talents never seen before, even without attending the event itself. Should the fair receive enough attendees, there’s speculation of quarterly layoff fairs. Otherwise, job prospects are becoming all to wallowable, even with hope on the horizon.