The University of Washington administration announced this past Tuesday an innovative new plan to drive up student attendance to quiz sections: giving all the TAs a badge and a gun. Even the most scholarly UW students skip out on going to quiz sections because “they’re not real classes” and “usually not even for points.”

“It’s become a real problem as of late,” said Dean of Undergraduate Academic Affairs Edward Taylor. “These kids just don’t see the value of these truly vital classes. Where else are you going to do exciting icebreakers with people you’ll talk to for 30 minutes a week for a quarter and never again? Or attempt to do a worksheet for an hour and then beg for answers from someone who has literally nothing else to do, but study and go to classes.”

In the email announcing the new program, the university explained how the plan will be conducted. Every TA will be given a badge with Dubs on it with the phrase “Pawsome TA” and an assigned gun based on their Myers-Briggs type. Once the TAs have been armed, they have free range to do whatever they want, so long as they have their badge on.

“The TAs have full authority to do whatever they deem necessary to make sure that quiz sections run smoothly,” said Taylor. “That means if they gotta shoot a few bullets into the ceiling to make the kiddos stay off their phones, or make sure that everyone is on topic while doing group work, then so be it. TAs also have full jurisdiction to go into dorms, on-campus apartments, or anywhere else with no warnings or permits to ensure that students attend their sections. And if an unfortunately completely unforeseen accident occurs, then the TA who so happens to be holding the nearest firearm will be provided with a quarter off with pay to cool down a little. They are the thin purple line that keeps this university afloat.”

When asked about the program, a chemistry grad student acting as a TA responded with, “Please, I just want to buy groceries with my salary. I’m so hungry.” It is yet to be seen how effective this new program will be, but we do know one thing: those guns look fuckin’ pawsome.