A study by degreechoices.com ranked UW as America’s 26th most dangerous college campus, to the dismay of many UW students. It states there were 80 violent crimes committed on campus between 2019 and 2021, including murder, aggravated assault, and robbery. With students returning to campus for the start of fall quarter, this news hits the heart of the student community. 

“I’m genuinely shocked,” said third year Kimberly Ramsbottom, “We should be higher on the list. Last year I was working so hard to get those numbers up, it’s difficult to see all my hard work lost to universities in places like Iowa or Minnesota. It’s not fair.”

University of Iowa ranks #5 on the list, and University of Minnesota ranks #10. Ramsbottom followed with a very harsh critique of the midwest, namely that there was nothing but “poser cornfuckers who aren’t even real criminals”

Much like Ramsbottom, student criminals across campus are reporting frustrations with their work being overshadowed. Since the study was released, visits to the counseling center have increased by 34%. When we reached out to the counseling center for comment, they responded by showing us a detailed diagram of a human anus, and telling us to “shove it up there.” For an interaction with the counseling center, it was remarkably helpful. 

“We need to get our numbers up,” known criminal Raymond Thornton said, “We can’t be lagging behind. Personally, I go out every night looking to rob or aggressively assault someone. There’s no reason why those frostbitten assholes should be winning. I hadn’t even heard of Iowa until this study came out. But Machete Man? He’s America’s sweetheart.” 

Thornton is right. Iowa, which I’m not even sure is real, cannot beat us. In fact, in the time it took for you to read this article, I’ve snuck up behind you with a gun.