In lieu of this year’s somewhat successful football season, Coach Füt Bahl has decided to implement changes beyond drafting new, impressionable high schoolers. Bahl stated he hopes to win every football next year, before star player James Vagina graduates and starts playing on the big football field in the sky. But Vagina isn’t the only one that matters, as Bahl has medium-sized plans for the whole team. 

Starting in April, Husky footballers will have to start roaming campus by walking instead of their usual transportation method, lime scooters and personal Ubers. While this is a huge win for students who are tired of almost getting hit every time they go outdoors, athletes are claiming “walking is hard,” and “owie my feet.” 

Coach Bahl’s relentless reign of terror continued with changes to the student athlete diet. Once allowed to roam free and eat out of any Ave alley dumpster their hearts desired, the athletes are now required to consume more than raw, expired meat. Rumors say their new diets include fruit, vegetables, and on occasion, peanut butter Kongs. Additionally, Bahl has decided to implement new vitamins, namely “stair” and “royts” into their diets by hiding the pills in little pieces of cheese. 

Campus has already noticed many new changes, like most notably, last week, when running back Jimmy Urethra crashed through the wall of Suzzallo Kool Aid man style because he repetitively pushed on one of the pull doors and became frustrated. Not everything will change though, as the team is still allowed and highly encouraged to hunt CSE rejects during the off-season.