The department of comparative religion announced last Wednesday that it would be introducing a new major: Protestant fear. This is an exciting development and already causing a buzz on campus as huskies everywhere ask “what the fuck is comparative religion?”

“Catholic guilt really has been at the front of the cultural zeitgeist the past few decades,” said Dr. James Wellman, chair of the comparative religion program. “Our hope with this new concentration is that students will be given the opportunity to study the overwhelming force that continues to dominate public and personal life in America.”

The announcement included a summary of new classes that would be offered in the following quarter to accompany the Protestant fear concentration. Feature courses include: 

• He’s Always Watching You

• Sins Never Go Away (and can never escape them)

• Fulfillment in Bad Sex

• Empathy for Your Father

• Finding the Reason why Bad Things Happen to Good People

• Prayer and Vaccines

• Immigrants

• Chicken Breast, Spices a la Carte

A unique honors program is also being offered in conjunction with the concentration. Alongside the normal requirements, students who decide to participate in honors will have to complete experiential learning activities. Boys in the program will have to run an instagram page where they post soft gay porn of themselves with “God First” as their bio. Girls will have to enroll in nursing school. Under these specifications there is a bold line of text reading: “CHOOSE ONE.”

All honors students will also have to complete a capstone course named “What if He Wasn’t 

Here at All?” Which is further described on the departmental website:

“You will be put in a room with four walls and no window. Under the dim light flickering above you, there is a stainless steel table. On the table, there is a six-chamber revolver and a single bullet. You look to your left, a wooden cross on the wall. To the right, a torn American flag, almost as if the stars are about to fall. These things are supposed to mean something, you fail to find a meaning. You can wait as long as you like, but you know what you have to do. You pick up the revolver, rotating it in your hand as you catch a glimpse of yourself reflected. 

Was it all worth it? Have I been virtuous? Was I happy? Will my suffering lead to salvation? No matter what you ask, the answer is in your hand. You load one of the chambers with the bullet and spin the chamber. Every tick of the chamber rotating lasts a lifetime, and every time you were looking for a sign. Something, anything that would make this all worth it. How long have you laid on the floor exhausted staring at the ceiling asking for an answer to your prayers? Was that no answer because you are forsaken, beyond forgiveness even through the divine? Or was he never there to begin with? 

The chamber stops spinning and the trigger feels hot. Up against the side of your head, you feel the embrace you begged for. Don’t run away, it's time to hear your prayers answered.”

Five out of six students are expected to leave the program happy and fulfilled.

The remaining sixth goes to grad school.

The Protestant fear concentration will be available starting next quarter. To gain admission to the program prospective students will have to get into a political disagreement with their father at the dinner table and not cry during the interaction. He will tell us if you fail.