The news dropped in August that the University of Washington will be joining the Big 10 athletic conference starting in the Fall of 2024. Washington’s move comes two years after USC and UCLA decided to bail on the Pac-12 and join the Big 10. Erin O’Connell, UW’s interim Athletic Director, made it very clear what motivated the move in the first place.

“I’m very excited about the future of UW athletics and about how much money the football team will make in TV deals now,” said O’Connell in an exclusive interview. “Really the only two things we looked at were how much money we’d make from the football team in the Pac-12 and how much money we would make from the football team in the Big 10. The results were clear and we never turned back and I have a small penis.”

It was obvious that O’Connell did not have a penis because she insisted that we were naked during the interview and there was no penis between her legs. Additionally, some have criticized the decision to join the Big 10 because of the travel difficulties non-football athletes will have when primarily playing teams in the Great Lakes region.

”Great Lakes, more like Lame Lakes,” O’Connell joked, aggressively. “There have been some complaints from other athletes, like, ‘The new conference doesn’t have my sport,’ ‘How will I be able to do my classes if I’m flying to the midwest twice a week?’ and ‘Did you kill my grandma?’ We’ve come up with some pretty clever solutions in my opinion. This year, before coming back to Seattle and their student responsibilities, all of our non-football athletes will be forced to fly to Fairbanks, Alaska after every away game so they can get used to their awesome new travel schedules for next year. I know I don’t have a penis but come on, you know it would be small.”

The move away from the Pac-12 means that UW will no longer play longtime rivals – Cal, Stanford, and Washington State, among others. Many fans were angry about the loss of these rivalries, but O’Connell was confident that sports aren’t about iconic rivalries or good competition.

“Who really wants to see two teams play that have over 100 years of competition? The Boys in the Boat Rivalry? Boring. The Apple Cup against Washington State? First of all, that’s a stupid name and second, I don’t think anybody cares, do they? What people really care about when it comes to watching sports is how much money each team is making in TV deals,” O’Connell concluded, as she finally took her finger out of her asshole. “That’s what it’s all about.”