The UW Alumni Association, UWAA (not to be confused with UW Alcoholics Anonymous – also commonly referred to as Off Leash News) is one of the great benefits of being a member of the UW Dawg Pack. The association gives UW Alumni the opportunity to add people you don’t know on Linkedin, see people make six figures working at Amazon right out of college while you are stuck working as a barista, and check up on the guy you hooked up with two years ago.

UWAA is largely dependent on donations from generous alumni, but it appears that alumni have been far less generous in recent years. This decrease in donations has forced UWAA to adopt new methods of asking for donations. Thankfully, some particularly ‘sassy’ alumni have drawn inspiration to change course on fundraising with this in mind, “There is no stronger determination than a horny ugly man on Grindr.”

Typical fundraiser emails have been replaced with messages saying, “heyyyyyyyy cutie, whatcha up to :)”, “howdy there”, “looking?”, and the classic “hung?” If these initial messages do not facilitate a response then well thought out follow-up messages will be sent out. Greedy UW Alumni should expect to see a series of “hey” and “u up?” for the next couple hours. And if all else fails, UWAA has a nuclear option by sending messages similar to the following, “so you think I’m ugly?”, “I guess that’s a no then”, “If you’re not interested in me just go ahead and block me”, “whatever I’m done talking to you”, and then the “hey” message two hours later.

If you are not able to donate to UWAA please instead donate to Off Leash News and give us money. Remember that greed is a sin and that sin is real and so is hell and you’re going there if you are greedy and the only way to fix that is to give us, Off Leash News, money to purchase goods and/or services. Thank you and good day.