On Monday, the Safeway located at the intersection of Brooklyn Ave and NE 50th Street announced that they would be enforcing a dress code for all customers, effective immediately. Officials at the store stated that the dress code will be strictly enforced and that any customer who did not adhere to the code would not be allowed to shop at the establishment. 

“There is a level of decorum and professionalism we expect from our customers,” explained Gro Sher, the lead store manager. “While we do expect some pushback initially, we are confident that our treasured customers will cooperate, because they have to.”

A sign and a security guard with a TikTok boy haircut with a loaded service pistol are placed at the store entrance listing out and enforcing the dress code, respectively. The new rules are:

1. Three-fingers wide: all shirts must have shoulder straps that are less than three fingers in width.

2. Hands down your side: Your pantaloons or other lower body attire must end higher than where your fingers reach.

3. Skirts over pants: C’mon ladies, you look so good. How about we hike that thang up a bit huh?

4. Hard nipples: All female and male presenting nipples must be visible and poking out at all times.

5. Gray sweatpants: Fellas… don't be shy.

6. No jackets.

7. No mixed fabrics.

8. No shoes unless you are a gay man wearing high heels.

9. No belts, watches, metal, or liquids over 3.4 fluid ounces.

10. All men wearing thumb rings will be removed and chemically castrated.

It is unclear how effective this policy will be for maintaining the cultural significance of Safeway, but one thing is clear: my nipples.