Trump ekes out a win after canceling every single mail-in ballot (again, but it worked this time) in a slow slide of land election. He officially broke the 270 mark yesterday morning after those pesky election workers finally finished counting with all their fingers and toes, not quite eviscerating Kamala Harris but at least hitting a T-bag. 

Unfortunately, so much has happened so quickly that we’re going to have to hit you with the highlight reel. In the past couple of hours, Trump has already sent through a mountain of emails of upcoming executive orders. Notable examples include “You can’t arrest Trump Ever” (EO 14128), “Talking about penis size BANNED” (EO 14129), and “Replace every executive branch member with a cardboard cutout of Ivanka Trump” (EO 14130). 

Within this very short time frame, the United States dollar has already dropped to the value of the Russian ruble, putting the United States back at eye contact with President (ugh) Trump’s favorite kissboy. While there is speculation that being back at the Russian level might inspire a second Cold War, just more stupid this time, expert analysts insist that the love between Trump and Putin is one that cannot erode so easily. Now that Commander Can’t-Speak is back in office, the love letters will resume again, pushing us further into world peace. 

In addition to these other sudden policy changes, Trump plans to rush an amendment to change every use of “woman” in any federal document to “Female 🤓”. This comes at a time when the nerd emoji isn’t even funny anymore, reigniting every woman’s concerns about Trump’s inevitable Torture-Every-Woman-Ever national policy on abortion. However, it might have been women’s fault all along.

Former guy with hair, Marco Rubio, says “Leaving that dinosaur on the ballot was those demon-crats’ best shot, it was over for them when they tried to put a woman on the ballot.” Rubio kicked his foot up and spat into a nearby spittoon. 

And over it was. No red-blooded American would ever vote for a woman, especially not one with such a boisterous laugh. Indeed, the election was decided when Kamala Harris made the unfortunate blunder of being a stinky little girl. Rookie move! In a record move, Trump has once again proven why boys rule and girls drool. And further, how it is girls who go to Jupiter to get more stupider, and boys who go to college to get more knowledge. 

For the female half of the population, this reality might seem dire. It might seem a touch annoying, even, to have some creepy old guy legislating about whether you get to do it raw or not. In light of these times, remember that there are a multitude of options for making your voice heard. For starters, taking up a rifle class, or even your local shotgun class, can be a fantastic way of letting out the election jitters. Or, if you want to bring back the age-old retro-solution, just grab those nuke codes and bring the world back to day zero. I guess you could also die but like, everyone’s sort of doing that, so you should check out our other ideas first.

While it might seem difficult to reach an understanding on these results, Off Leash News humbly reminds all readers that the Trump x Biden old man yaoi lives on, even in the darkest of times. Readers are encouraged to stay alive, to at least watch those old farts go at it again.