When they bloom, UW’s cherry blossom trees possess an almost unworldly beauty, rivaled only by the likes of Cleopatra and Iggy Azalea. However, like Cleopatra and Iggy Azalea, the cherry blossom trees can be dangerous. Hordes of tourists invade campus to the dismay of an estimated six or seven students, who struggle to cope with those nasty buggers invading their territory. To make things easier, we’ve come up with a list of four tips and one trick for surviving the cherry blossom season.

The first tip is to remember to drink water. If you’re in the Quad and start to feel overwhelmed by the swarms of Goldendoodles or the sound of four million camera shutters, try drinking a couple gallons of water. And if that doesn’t work and you still feel like you’re being chased through the woods by a really scary animal, try drinking a couple more gallons. Oh, and don’t let yourself pee. Eventually, you’ll have to pee so badly that it becomes all you can think about, and you’ll flee the Quad to find a bathroom. Then, when you’re done peeing, you’re not in the Quad anymore! Problem solved. 

The second tip is to remember that the tourists are more scared of you than you are of them. Like spiders. If you can get over how creepy the tourists with eight legs are, you’ll realize you’re way bigger and there’s nothing to be scared of. This year is the first time in two decades that UW has let the students roam free and intermingle with the tourists instead of putting us in zoo-like enclosures, so there’s sure to be a lot of unease and tension between the groups. If you can remember this tip, and drink your water, you’ll be fine. Plus, your dad can beat up their dads. And boy do they know it. 

The third tip is actually a fun trick. It’s called “rolling over” and if you’re really good at it, one of the tourists might feed you a treat. 

The fourth tip is to start screaming and crying hysterically every time you see a group of touring prospective students. Really go balls to the wall with this one. Wail, shriek, pound your fists into the ground, tear chunks of your hair out, anything you want. Then, when one of them asks if you’re okay, look up at them with wide eyes and running mascara and tell them that Ana Mari Cauce just executed your entire family for failing Math 124. Go back to your tantrum, but this time grab their arm and sob into it. Don’t let them go. Tell them they’re your new mom, and ask them when bedtime is. Super cathartic and a great way to try acting if you didn’t get admitted into the School of Drama! 

The fifth tip is that young kids running around the Quad are free. A new pet can be an excellent distraction from not being able to access Savery Hall, and clearly, those children don’t want to be there. Just wait until their parents are looking the other way or one escapes its monkey backpack leash, and you have an adorable pet baby for your home! When you get bored of it, you can call The Seattle Times and spin an epic tale of rescuing it from the witch who lives in the woods and cooks kids in stew. 

We’ll get through this season together, Huskies. Hand in hand, balls in mouth. All we have to do is remember these tips and resist the urge to eat a tourist whole (like a boa constrictor) every time we hear kids complaining about not wanting to see Suzzallo library.