VM

Though there is no longer a need to cut down firewood to make it through the long northwest nights, the axe is still a staple across Puget Sound households.  Fondly remembered by local lumberjacks and murderers alike, the axe is for many the weapon of choice for forestry, self-protection, and collection in and of itself. In a shockingly bold move, Seattle lawmakers voted Sunday to reinforce and strengthen the laws concerning the registration and regulation of axes.

Hugh Disnder, a long time axe-wielder, was disgruntled to see axes come in front of the legislature, “ Why should we have to regulate axes? I’ve been using my axe to chop, slash, and hunt for years- why are the laws changing now?” 

Unfortunately for people like Disnder, after an entire singular incident where a man robbed a college student with an axe near the Seattle campus of the University of Washington, lawmakers knew that major, systematic changes were needed.  “It’s all about improving the safety of our local communities. If something is being used to commit crimes and cause harm, why the hell wouldn’t we regulate it?” stated Jeminiah Glocker (R) on his choice to fast track the initiative. 

These new changes will look into regulating and registering axe owners. It would require any person who wished to wield an axe to register it with the government, after completing an ‘axe handling class’ to ensure the safety of those in near proximity to the axe. Additionally, a mental health check by a psychiatrist would also be required. “I still don’t see what all the fuss is about. I need my axe to protect myself from all the other people wielding axes. After all, the only thing that stops a bad guy with an axe is a good guy with an axe, or a hatchet… or I guess a machete works too,” Disnder complained. 

Bad guys or no, Disnder will have to register all 273 pieces of his axe collection starting February 1st. Axe regulation was passed unanimously at an unprecedented speed. Failure to abide by the new laws will result in a minimum of a $50,000 fine and up to 3 years in federal prison. 

For people like Disnder who are anxious about running into axe-wielding criminals, the police recommend carrying a gun.