In an attempt to increase her relatability and goodwill with students, President Ana Mari Cauce has announced her decision to permanently change her title from president to principal. She has already started implementing measures to match her new image such as daily morning announcements and wearing super loose skinny jeans. 

“She’s just like me now,” said graduate student Clara Barkley. “I accidentally called her mom the other day”. 

Instead of being locked away in her office during the school day, she can now be found wandering lecture halls muttering into a walkie-talkie and jingling a large set of keys. Cauce has already edited her email signature to say “Principal C. Dog lover. ENFJ”. 

She has been spending a concerning amount of time walking into classrooms with a clipboard and flipping around a chair to straddle, whispering “what’re you guys learning” to the nearest student. Instead of lounging around sending out emails, she has been drafting up a plan for after-school detention and sitting at her desk vigorously shaking a salad in a box. 

Some fear she’s taken it a little too far, as she was spotted last Thursday evening walking up and down Greek row dress-coding girls in spaghetti straps, confiscating their juuls, and handing them XXL Dawg Daze t-shirts to change into. 

Most students who are skeptical of Cauce’s rebranding have kept their criticisms to themselves in order to secure their invitation to the new end-of-the-year assembly. Presumably due to the rumors that there will be free pizza and a hypnotist. 

We attempted to reach her for comment last week whilst she stood in the quad with one hand on her hip, but all she had to say was “get to class”.