First things first, I’m really fucking smart. I got a 1420 on my SAT’s when I was a junior in high school, and Harvard just about got down on their knees and sucked whatever I’ve got down there just to beg me to come to them. But lucky for you guys, I chose the University of Washington in good ol’ Seattle, because somebody’s gotta tell those dusty seismo-nerds jacking it to little heart monitor scribbles when they need to ditch the “Drop. Cover. And Hold On.”

Look - my intelligence is intimidating to even the brightest minds amongst men, so even I am continuously surprised that little Miss Cascadia Subduction Zone herself hasn’t paused her sucking and fucking of the Juan de Fuca for just a sec and whispered the big secret to me personally. 

Oh! Wait! She practically has! Which sort of brings me to my second point: it’s really not that hard. Explaining advanced geomechanical mechanisms to the average Off Leash Newser is fairly dull at best, sort of reminiscent of explaining to a baby that it has poop in its diaper. There’s just no comprehension, is what I’m saying. They’re both gonna be confused and upset either way. So, I’ll just give it to you straight up, no nonsense, to the point, doggy style.

The Big One* will happen on the night of **** *. ***th, at ****:**** pm. 

Be prepared.

I am aware that scientists will try to ask me questions about this. You better believe I will not be answering them. If they want a piece of this juicy info ass, they can leave 100k on the doorstep of my home on 17th that I share with nine other people and fix the brakes on my twenty year old Subaru first. Then we’ll talk.

*Here meaning a 9.0 or larger earthquake occurring within the Cascadia Subduction Zone off the coast of Washington and Oregon, initiated by the sliding of the Juan de Fuca plate underneath the North American plate. The subduction zone goes through ‘stick-slip’ periods, in which the two plates periodically become locked against each other and unable to continue the subduction process. As the Juan de Fuca plate continues to push into the North American plate, eventually the energy builds high enough that the locked portion suddenly slides past, releasing large amounts of energy.