Are you going to a beach this spring break? Somewhere warm? Like San Diego or Cabo? What are you, some kind of bitch? Yeah, that’s what I thought. At Off Leash, we aren’t bitches. We smoke cigarettes and eat rocks for breakfast. So we know where to go for spring break if you want to do something beyond jacking off or caressing pictures of your ex-girlfriend while one single tear rolls down your face. 

Our first suggested destination is Butte, Montana. It’s funny cause it’s one letter away from Butt. Butte has a large history of industry, specifically mining. For those who don’t know, mining is like a real life version of mining in Minecraft. During your visit to Butte, you can see one of its many “unoccupied buildings” and consume tap water that wasn’t safe to drink until the 1990s. 

If Butte doesn’t tickle your fancy, then we suggest visiting Mitchell, South Dakota. This town’s Wikipedia page only has two sentences for the entire history section, and nine FM radio stations. Lots of tunes to choose from. Its crowning jewel though is the Corn Palace. With an estimated 500,000 visitors a year, the palace hosts events ranging from concerts to corncerts. The only rival to its natural grainy beauty is a cornfield itself. 

For those wanting a less overwhelming experience than the bustling and lively city of Mitchell, South Dakota, we recommend visiting a quaint town in Washington called Seattle. It has a reputation for having no vagrant weed smokers, and there’s a secret grove of cherry blossom trees that tourists haven’t yet discovered. 

Albany, New York is another hot destination this year. As the capital of the state, it’s probably the biggest New York city. It’s a relatively new settlement though, as it was founded in 1994 to celebrate the forming of Limp Bizkit. Thus, there is absolutely no history to Albany, New York, and people who hate history and love poppers should for sure vacation there. 

If you’re an overgrown iPad baby who needs constant stimulation, you might feel inclined to visit Disneyland this break. That’s understandable, because the bright colors will distract you from thinking about paying bills or networking with your peers to build business relationships. There’s an alternative, though. Evil Disneyland is still just as distracting as regular Disneyland, but it’s evil. Attractions include stores where you can buy a wig to put on when you call yourself “Evil (your name)” so that everyone knows you’re in evil mode. 

Our last suggested destination is Nicolas Cage’s National Treasure inspired grave in New Orleans, Louisiana. He’s gonna die and be buried there someday. There’s nothing else to do in New Orleans.