Parents are already raising concerns about the amount of gratuitous nudity in the new Frog and Toad series set to premier on Apple TV. A recent statement on Twitter by Nat Faxon, the voice of Frog, asserted that “They’re animals. They’re not supposed to wear clothes.” One angry parent responded, “Then why does Toad have a human dick, and why is it in Frog’s ass?”

Showrunners have made note of the discrepancy and redirected animation to hold true to the source material. A second screening showed Frog with his human dick in Toad’s ass.

War has since broken out between Frog and Toad purists, who insist that even the most graphic aspects of the original books be included in the show, and weenie losers who piss themselves all day and can’t handle a little skin. This author remains impartial, but should the battle for artistic freedom come to a head, it would be prudent to remember who pays our taxes: smelly smelly baby, or those of us who want to see a couple of gay amphibians get it on?

Critics have accused the show of being a ploy to expand the sex toy market to a younger audience. Big Dildo has been scrambling to make up for lost revenues in light of a recent poll showing that Americans under the age of five invest as little as 0% of their annual income in sexually-assistive technology. “Frog and Toad could change all that,” said Babeland CEO Brock von Jiggle. “By showing this untapped market that bumping uglies can be whimsical, we could increase revenues by as much as 1% per year.”

Despite backlash, the sex industry seems to have Apple TV’s ear. In a leaked phone call, von Jiggle can be heard offering to split revenues 50/50, followed by thirty unbroken minutes of maniacal laughter from Apple CEO Tim Cook.

“It’s what Arnold Lobel would want,” von Jiggle told Off Leash, in a private interview to which he wore nothing but a sock (and it wasn’t on his foot). “Frog and Toad is about accepting gay people, which means teaching people that gay sex is a natural and beautiful thing to beat off to.”

Since the initial dispute, Google searches for “do frogs have dicks,” “do toads have dicks,” and “what is sex” have all risen by more than 250%. Entrepreneurs have begun investing in rival amphibian dildo companies Frog Logs and Toad Chodes to such an extent that if Apple TV fails to deliver the promised frog-on-toad action, the economy is likely to go into recession. And nobody wants that, now do they?

Frog and Toad: streaming April 28, 2023, only on Apple TV.