In a shocking press conference Wednesday night, Ana Mari Cauce revealed a mysterious illness has been sweeping through campus following the devastating loss in the National Championship game on Monday. While some students reported symptoms the morning of the 8th, there was a clear spike in cases the morning of the 9th. 

“I can’t stop throwing up, and my head hurts a lot,” said first year Anita Nothadrink from her quarantine room in the UW hospital. Nothadrink’s peers who watched the game with her reported similar symptoms, and are also isolated and being monitored. 

Hall Health reports being overwhelmed and overrun with this mysterious illness, as very little seems to help. Ibuprofen and tums may ease symptoms, but can’t relieve them entirely. Those infected present no fever, although vomiting, headache, light sensitivity, anxiety, intense gagging, and white-knuckle-gripping-the-seat-fully-nude-also-praying shits are common. The CDC is also considering getting involved, as these symptoms have never been observed on a college campus before. 

Hope may not entirely be lost, though. Madrona hall resident slash quack doctor James Rames claims to have found a cure, and although it’s still awaiting FDA approval, Rames has already begun distributing it to the community. 

“I realized I had the illness, and my first thought was that I need to sanitize my insides,” Rames told Off Leash News between hiccups, “Obviously you can’t drink hand sanitizer, and the closest thing I had was the spiced Captain Morgan my cousin got me for Christmas. It sucked at first, and I really had to force it down, but now I feel great.”

Although a makeshift cure is available, Hall Health expects the number of cases to continue growing, especially since it’s gonna be really cold this weekend and students see no other alternative than getting hammered to stay warm.