This past September 11th, the IMA opened three new universal locker rooms attached to a 14-lane swimming pool. Huskies of all shapes and sizes were excited to finally use the new facilities after the long construction process, with the exception of one man, Hubert Spice. Normally a locker room enthusiast, Spice was furious with the new changing rules in the locker rooms.

“I was happy that the locker rooms were open but when I read the sign that said we can’t change in the locker area I almost lost my shit,” Spice aired out his frustrations.

All three locker rooms are available for use by anyone, regardless of gender identity. However, this means that changing in the locker rooms is not allowed in an effort to avoid any semi-public penis-in-vagina sexual activity. 

“I like working out, sure, but the real reason I come to the gym is to show off my dick and balls,” continued Spice, “When I was 14 years old, I was in a gym locker room and I saw the most incredible penis. I’m not a homosexual but that penis mesmerized me. I would’ve sucked it if I got the chance.”

Spice, like the rest of the gym-goers, must use the changing rooms or bathrooms attached to the locker rooms to change their clothes. The changing rooms feature no windows to show off your naked body and are really dark if you turn off the lights.

“It makes me sick to think that some young man out there is missing the opportunity to be inspired by my penis,” Spice added, “I can still remember what that first penis looked like. Soft, but large all at once. I think it was Brazilian.”

Overall, the reaction to the universal locker rooms has been positive. Aside from some awkward moments like seeing that one girl from class all sweaty, the new space has provided comfort to most. It actually makes it easier to have sex in the locker room now, because you can do it in the changing room. Just saying.