CB & MJ

In a time when college students are so confused and saddened that they can barely summon up the strength to make memes (yeah, things are pretty bad), comedy is more necessary than ever. Fortunately, we have it on good authority that there will soon be a digital release of a COMPLETELY FREE and VERY HIGH-QUALITY quarantine-themed satire magazine. It seems to be titled something along the lines of Off Leash News Issue 4.5: The Quarantine Diaries.

Our source, who wished to remain anonymous (and six feet away), assured us that the upcoming publication will be full of hilarious, edgy, and yet also socially sensitive content. At first, we couldn’t believe it—it just seemed too good to be true. However, our source was able to produce an excerpt of the promised magazine. The extracted piece seems to be a satirical diary entry from the perspective of a quarantined UW student, which is, quite frankly, a genius idea with endless potential for laughs. 

So, without further ado, please enjoy the excerpt, and remember to check back for updates on this developing story:

Dear Diary,

I can’t remember the last time I wiped my ass. 

As COVID-19 spreads, the fear has settled in and the stay-at-home orders have rolled out. Everyone has panic-bought the essentials: food, weed, and most important of all, toilet paper. I thought it seemed like an overreaction to a disease that, while being dangerous enough to warrant taking the necessary steps to avoid transmission, did not justify filling every square inch of a Honda Odyssey with Charmin Ultra Soft. I just couldn’t understand the panic, but then it hit me, like a cold bucket of water to the face. Or perhaps, more accurately, a cleansing jet of water straight to the anus.

Diary, do you think that it was an accident that stories of people stocking up on toilet paper enveloped social media? Of course it wasn’t. That’s what they want us to believe. But who are “they”? Who could stand to gain from this? The answer is clear: bidet companies. That’s right, the blame for the spread of the coronavirus falls squarely upon the shoulders of the very people sworn to protect our ani.

While bidets are popular in Europe, sales have been fairly stagnant in the U.S. So why start the virus in China? Last month’s issue of Conspirators’ Monthly said that ass-washing technology is projected to be an $80 billion industry by the middle of the decade, and there is a growing market in Southeast Asia. What country would have the manufacturing power to meet that demand? China. So a U.S. based bidet company falls back on the three R’s of business: Respect the customer, take Responsibility for the product, and if all else fails, Release a deadly pathogen that slows the production of your competitors. Soon enough, bidet production in China falls off, toilet paper flies off the shelves, and Bidets of Our Lives Inc. is swimming in cash.

I can feel the anger washing over me now, like a stream of bidet water washing my ass crack. Why would bidet companies resort to such drastic action? To improve public image after the bidet waterboarding incident at Guantanamo Bay? I can’t be sure, but what I do know is that now, more than ever, we must come together. And what better way to unite than over our shared love of clean behinds? For my ass may need wiping, but I will not bend to the will of this elitist bidet imperialism.