There’s an obvious and hilarious fact that we’ve all been ignoring about spring. Every year, as far back as I can remember, trees bloom around the same time, bringing with them beauty and warmth as well as a living hell for people with mild to severe allergies. As we’re all too aware, humans will go to great lengths to see spring in action, whether it’s a cherry blossom, or another cherry blossom, or even a third cherry blossom. There’s something behind this so-called “bloom” that’s very familiar to us all. It’s this: the coming of spring is nothing more than a giant, collective orgasm for plants. 

Think about it, where does all birth or rebirth have to start? With an orgasm! Let’s look at this from the perspective of trees. All winter, trees have to sit by, filling our air with oxygen as we stroll glumly past them. While it may not seem like they're looking forward to anything in their motionless, apathetic states, they must be counting down the days when the air warms up and they can bust out their pretty little flowers. For trees, the coming of spring is a blessed hand coming from the heavens to jerk them off and relieve their winter's worth of stress.

We’ve been ignoring this part of spring and I say no more. Spring is a time to celebrate rebirth and growth. I say, let’s celebrate by acknowledging the joy and release that these trees must be feeling. Humans can orgasm whenever they want, ideally not on the bus, but pretty much whenever. We’re lucky. Trees, on the other hand, have to wait and wait and they only get to cum once a year. Does that not call for celebration? Not only would we be celebrating the trees’ orgasms, but we can also celebrate our own orgasmic freedom.

If you’re not following, then let’s get visual. Picture a tree. You see it standing there all still and leafless because spring hasn’t arrived yet. Let’s move forward a week or two, the days are starting to get longer and the air is getting warmer. The tree is starting to notice this and is getting excited. Its buds might be growing a bit, getting ready for their shining, cum-filled moment. Let’s go forward another half week, the buds are bulging out of their casing, sweating from the tension that’s been built up. Finally, it’s time. Let’s listen. Hear the tree, “Uh, huh, huh, HUH, HUHUH. HIUHUHUH, UHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Wow.” 

It’s spring. The tree just came. Deal with it.