JC

We all know this whole “stay home, stay healthy” thing has been harder on some than others. While many of us are using our last ounces of willpower to not sneak out of the house to lick the sidewalk, we all have those friends who seem to be doing whatever they can to keep that curve rounder than a hot piece of ass. Doesn’t that shit just make you want to punch a hole in your parents’ drywall? 

Don’t worry, dawgs. You’re not alone. The UW community is now under the protection of the hero we never knew actually existed: Mr. Clean. Armed with a bleach bucket and a half-empty bottle of Everclear with his own face on it, Mr. Clean has taken it upon himself, a self-proclaimed anarchist, to single handedly stop COVID-19.   

Cindy Summer, ‘22, was leaving her dorm on Monday night to pick up her takeout, when she heard a booming voice shouting from across the quad, “Cindy, where the FUCK is your mask?” Summer says she was terrified, “He started clumsily running towards me in a sparkling blue hazmat suit with “SUPER CLEAN’ handwritten across the front. I almost had a fucking heart attack. Like, how does this weird, off-brand Superman know my name, and why is he slurring his words?” 

Reports from UW community members confirm that Mr. Clean has been spotted at various high-volume campus areas, including inside the Drumheller Fountain, shouting aggressively about how COVID can be spread through stool. A freshman saw him at Safeway in aisle 4, spraying a hose of what smelled like a mixture of Tito’s and Bath and Body Works hand sanitizer, yelling, “STAY HOME, STAY HEALTHY, MOTHERFUCKERS. You have to touch me to kick me out! Go ahead and try it, I DARE YOU!” 

We were lucky enough to catch him on his way to Greek Row for an exclusive interview: “The police literally aren’t doing shit to keep people in line. I got tired of cleaning the janitor’s closet I’ve been quarantined in, so I decided to come out here and start yelling at other people to stay the fuck home. I’m not even getting paid. Thank god for that stimulus check, am I right?!” he shared as he stumbled over the curb and ate shit in front of Sigma Chi. He promptly got up and threw a brick straight through their window into their foyer, screaming, “I saw one of these assholes leaving at like 2 a.m. last night. There are literally no essential businesses open at 2 a.m.!” 

As we all sit and worry during these trying times, Mr. Clean is out there fighting the good fight, but even heroes need to rest. This morning, authorities escorted a man named Jared Clean back to his home, the Mary Gates Hall broom closet, after they found him passed out on a park bench. The report claims he insistently mumbled about how “hand sanitizer can actually get you drunk if you mainline it properly.” 

This is our message to you, Mr. Clean, wherever you may be: thank you for your service.