Saturday, October 20 and Sunday, October 21 marked another year of UW’s annual Family Weekend. Thousands of parents flocked to campus to observe what their children do in their own environment, much like children flock to the monkey exhibit at the zoo to watch them throw feces at each other. Yet instead of throwing shit, these parents watch their children get belligerently drunk at frat BBQs before inevitably leaving a football game halfway through the second quarter.

This year, UW played Arizona State, and beat them 15-7. As usual, there were triumphant celebrations from every student whose parents made them stay through the entire game. But for one student, there was no celebration at all. 

“I really thought my parents would come,” first-year Ollie D’Clik blubbered, “All my friends’ parents came.”

D’Clik, who simply must be an orphan, claims the parents of everyone on McCarty hall’s 4th floor came. There are reports of a parent ordering the entire floor pizza, sparking a social gathering in one of the lounges. McCarty 4th floor resident Anya Smithsmith confirmed these rumors.

“My roommate Ashley’s mom did order enough pizza for everyone on the floor, plus their parents. It was honestly really fun to meet everyone’s moms and dads, especially when they were hot. I can’t wait for next parents weekend. I think I’m gonna try to seduce a DILF by asking him to explain VHS tapes.” 

Yet even though Smithsmith had the time of her life, D’Clik was left miserable and alone. He claims he spent the entire weekend sobbing in his dorm, except for when his roommate’s parents were there, in which case he sobbed while pretending to jerk off in the shower.

Off Leash News cares a lot about supporting the community, which is why we’ve chosen to start a GofundMe to get Ollie D’Clik some new parents. The link can be found here.