Center Table, the North Campus dining location renowned for its “food,” is unveiling a new, sexier dining option. Soon, that annoying couple who always takes up an entire dorm lounge to cuddle and watch movies on their computer will be able to move date night to one of the finest establishments in the Pacific Northwest, possibly even the North. And you, dear reader, can feel even lonelier while you eat the saddest chicken sammie seen since 1987.

The Center Table date night package includes HFS approved battery-operated candlesticks, a table with a spotlight in the exact middle of the building, a blu-ray DVD of the classic movie Sweet Home Alabama starring Reese Witherspoon, and a personal waiter named Garrett. He can be a bit confused at times, but his heart is in the right place. 

As for the menu, it’s the exact same as what’s offered at Center Table normally except on occasion a Viagra will be slipped into a Dub Street “burger” as a surprise. Garrett will take orders and wait in line on behalf of the sweethearts. It will take a while, as he’s easily manipulated and will not say no to those who ask to cut in front of him. But his resiliency is strong and Center Table’s world famous “food” will eventually make its way to those lovebirds. They can opt to feed him a bite or two, but he needs to be fed like a baby bird and that may kill the mood. Center Table’s usual patrons, the sad, pathetic ones who can’t get any action, may also choose to feed Garrett if they desire to do so. 

The package costs $44.99, plus cost of food. Couples who purchase the package also have to promise not to complain if Garrett returns their Husky Cards with teeth marks. For an extra $14.99 plus tip, Center Table manager Ana Marie Cauce 2 will serenade the young lovers with acapella renditions of The Goo Goo Dolls’ “Iris,” Rupaul’s “Let the Music Play (feat. Michelle Visage),” and “UW Bitches.”

To the future milfs and dilfs who met on Tinder, good luck securing the package. It’s only offered Thursdays that fall on odd numbered dates, and your mom and I have it booked until May. For those of you who only get any from your left hand or Target vibrators, there’s hope for you too. Center Table has plans to install “masturbation chambers” next to the gender neutral bathrooms, which will each come with a bottle of Jerkins, and a themed porno stash. Themes are reported to include “cowboy,” “doctor’s office,” “step mommy,” and “McMahon hall.” But good luck getting those too, cause I’m planning on paddling the pink canoe 24/7.