“To achieve a perfect world with no unrequited, undeserved feelings one must first erase the University of Washington campus, probably with a big bomb or something.” - Sun Tzu. 

As the school year opens, so do many hearts, and also many legs. This can be fine, especially with those who are okay bumping uglies and then never seeing their ugly bumping partner again, however not everyone can be that emotionally unavailable and unafraid to stare down the looming monster known as chlamydia. And God knows that for every unabashed slut roaming UDistrict, there’s a hopeless romantic with misguided trust sitting at home. Or at a bar. 

Those hopeless romantics, clutching their copies of The Duke and I: A Bridgerton Story in one hand and a masturbatory sex toy in the other, may find past crushes from previous quarters, weeks, hours, or wet dreams reawakened in all the excitement of another boundless year. This is detrimental not only to them, but also to those around them. 

“I can’t fucking do this anymore,” says fourth year Brie Phcase, “It never stops. One day my roommate is over him, and we can finally go back to watching Gossip Girl. Then something happens, and she’s back to nonstop talking about it and will only watch 27 Dresses or, on bad nights, Moulin Rouge.” 

Phcase went on to explain that even though it’s only the third week of the quarter, her grades have dropped irreparably and it’s definitely not her own fault. It’s all that mystery man’s fault, with his devilishly blue eyes and handsome smile. Phcase does believe he is an arguably attractive man, but is, quote, “Not worth all this. Be fucking for real.” 

And she’s not alone. Tired roommates, friends, coworkers, colleagues, and baristas all over the Northeastern Seattle area are starting to protest against those who keep flip-flopping on their feelings but are too scared to make a move. Governor Jay Inslee is rumored to be considering calling in the National Guard, who in turn would call the International Guard (NATO), and then the secret Earth President (Patrick Mahomes), who will then call a nuclear strike on our beautiful Emerald City. God, if only this bitch would have either done something or gotten over it.