Leda Health made headlines earlier this year by selling its controversially named “MeToo” sexual assault test kits to sororities. Critics argued that in selling the test kits, which are not admissible in court, the company took advantage of victims. Following the public outrage and threats of legal action, Leda Health knew that it had only one option: to do the exact same thing to a different group of people. This time, the company has announced plans to launch a mental health care kit aimed at college students. 

“Leda Health recognizes the unique challenge that sexual assault, depression, and anxiety present to the 18 to 21-year-old demographic,” the company said in a statement. “These are complex issues that require complex solutions, and we are committed to profiting off of them.”

The new mental health kit is equipped with resources reported to help fight mental illness. It includes posters with cute animals and motivational messages like “are you really trying to get better?” and “you don’t have a family history of depression, you have a family history of being a pussy. You get that from your mother.” The kit also includes a printed-out picture of a therapy dog, a copy of The Bell Jar by Syvlia Plath, and a plain white bottle of pills with the hand-written label “Zooloft.”

“I guess the dog’s pretty cute, but I’m not so sure about the antidepressants,” said sophomore Owen Wilson. “I’m still feeling depressed, and I got an erection during my English lecture last Wednesday that still hasn’t gone away. Is that normal?” When asked to comment, a Leda Health spokesperson stated, “Some users may continue to feel way, way down even as their penis is way, way up.” The company recommends its very own patented reverse-Viagra as a quick fix.

The UW counseling center echoed criticism of the company’s practices at a Tuesday news conference. “Frankly, it’s disappointing to watch someone else take advantage of teenagers with empty promises of helping them,” said one counselor. “That’s our thing. Back off.”

Despite the controversy, Leda Health firmly believes that things are looking up for students struggling with mental illness. “We are not snake oil salesmen. Our products really work,” the company’s statement said. “But if the reverse-Viagra doesn’t do the trick, it honestly might not hurt to slather some snake oil down there.”

You can purchase Leda Health’s Super Shaft-Shrinking Snake Oil at www.ohgodmydick.com/please-help